Why Dating Your Spouse Needs Prioritizing

Every time I go to a wedding I find tears in my eyes. There is something sacred about watching two people pledge their lives to one another. Watching a new marriage form brings back all those memories of when I took that first step. As we entered into marriage, most of us heard the advice that we should never stop dating our spouse. It’s easy to see the importance of that advice when you first step down that aisle together, but most of us find that it’s much harder to put into practice as those years of marriage roll on. We don’t mean to lose track of going on dates, finding special ways to celebrate our anniversary, or making time to connect a priority, it just kind of happens because life gets in the way. When you first got married, the phrase for better or worse was just a statement, but as you walk through marriage together, the ups and downs become a reality. As the busyness, trials, and chaos of everyday life together become a reality it is easy to lose the focus of connecting with one another.

No guilt trips

Before we dive into why it’s important to nurture connection in your marriage, we need to address an elephant in the room called guilt. Most of us carry guilt because we want to do better at finding ways to connect with our spouse but are genuinely struggling to figure out how to do so, especially if we are in an extra busy season of our lives. Guilt often has a way of paralyzing us instead of helping us move forward. Instead of allowing the voice of guilt to cause us to spiral into feeling like a failure, we need to silence the guilt, remind ourselves of the strength God gives us in our weakness, and find small ways to make tangible changes even if they aren’t the big changes we are hoping to make. Speaking of his own trials, Paul said to the church in Corinth, “But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV). We need to rest on God’s power, because we are all in need of God’s help to improve the relationships entrusted to us.

Connection fosters unity

The Bible says that when we get married the two of us individuals become one. “'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:7-9). How can we continue to have this kind of Biblical unity in our marriages if we don’t spend time connecting and working through the difficult things that will try to divide us? How many times have you noticed that when you feel distant or are in conflict with someone, it’s often when you haven’t been able to spend time connecting with them?

Connection changes the context of all of our relationships and helps us maintain unity. If I feel connected to my spouse and they make a comment that could be perceived as offensive, it’s much easier for me to brush it off and assume they had good intentions in what they said. When there is a strong connection with someone, we are able to better see their heart and have confidence that the person in our life has our best interest in mind. When there is a strong connection between someone, it’s much easier to bring up the hard topics that could easily divide us if they were left unspoken. Connection with one another helps us maintain our unity.

Connection facilitates growth

The relationships in our lives that experience the most personal growth are the relationships that develop the greatest amount of trust. When you first met your spouse you didn’t trust them enough to be fully vulnerable with them, but that vulnerability was built over time. Trust is built over many little connections with each other, and the only way for us to build trust is to be intentional about the time we spend together. That same vulnerability that we have built with our spouse needs to be maintained by continuing to allow room for those honest conversations with one another that help us grow.

As author Anne Voskamp states, “shame dies when stories are told in safe places.” When we are intentional about maintaining this level of vulnerability with our spouse we have room to truly grow and heal in the safety of that intimacy we have created with one another. When we can tell our stories, doubts, and struggles in the safety we have created in our marriage relationship we now have a partner who is able to come alongside us in our battle.

Even in times of stress?

When I first got married, and even after having my first child, I would often talk about how important it was for my husband and I to go on date nights, or have trips away with each other. Then I had twins, and the pressures of life, and the stress of finding a babysitter to watch our children became too much. My husband and I have really struggled to make connection with one another a priority in this season, even though I have come to realize that this is the exact season we need connection the most. When life is stressful, chaotic, and busy the enemy has such an opportunity to cause division in your marriage. When you are weary from the demands of life, it’s easier to become weary with one another. Finding those times to connect, celebrate anniversaries, and be purposeful about the time spent building your marriage makes it much harder for us to believe the lies and doubts that the enemy will send our way.

The Bible reminds us that we need to be on guard against the attacks of the enemy. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12 NIV). It’s important for us to realize that the enemy doesn’t want us to have a healthy connection in our marriage, but his goal is to divide. The more we are able to recognize that there is a spiritual battle going on that will directly affect our marriage, the easier it is for us to see the importance of prioritizing that connection with one another in an effort to continue to fight back against it.

Prioritizing connection can bless your family

When my husband and I plan to go on a date, my children will often make complaints about not being able to come with us. I understand why they would feel left out because we do everything else with them, but I also see the value in showing them the importance of my spouse and I having one-on-one time together. When we make time away together a priority for them to see they are learning how to see it as a priority in their future marriage relationships also. “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6 NIV). Sometimes teaching our children won’t be a direct teaching, but an example of how to honor God through the priorities we set in our relationships.

One of the biggest impacts of prioritizing connection with your spouse will have on your children goes even deeper than the positive effect it can have on their future relationships. I believe it directly impacts their feelings of security within the family system. I believe the more connected you are to your spouse, the greater the amount of safety and serenity your children will feel. When your children see dad and mom joking around together, and genuinely delighting in each other's company there is peace and reassurance that mom and dad are secure. Our children are watching us far more than we know, which is hard and scary at times because we are human and make mistakes, but also a good reminder of how much building into our marriage relationship directly impacts their mental health and well being.

Prioritizing time to connect in your marriage isn’t easy. There are so many stressors, distractions, and situations that we can face that often make this time together feel impossible to have. I believe we need to be careful to not get stuck on the guilt we feel when we are struggling to find the time to connect, but instead prayerfully consider how we can make small changes to improve our connection and ask for God’s help in doing so. It’s important for us to remember how much of an impact making this time of connection with our spouse will have on our marriage and family, and take the steps needed to make date time happen.