Finding a Mentor Couple

You are embarking on a trip to a country far and wide, nestled in an entirely different continent. You are ecstatic on one hand but apprehensive on the other. You have never been there before. But then someone becomes your saving grace. They sit you down and let you in on the weather, travel requirements, transportation, food, language, and the laws of that land. They point out the hurdles you may encounter and suggest how you can navigate them. Slowly, your apprehension dissipates into thin air. In the same way, newly married couples can glean invaluable help from mentor couples. A mentor couple shares knowledge, skills, and guidance based on God’s word and their experience in marriage. They also offer accountability and call out any unsavory habits they may spot in the couple. 

Scriptural admonition for mentorship

The scriptures brim over with the admonition for mentorship.

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled” (Titus 2:3-5).

“What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me - practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:9).

“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Proverbs 13:20).

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17).

Choosing a mentor couple is not always easy. Here are six questions you and your spouse need to sift through.

Have you prayed about it?

It’s a noble thing to desire a mentor couple but not everyone will be a good fit for you. That’s why you should seek God’s guidance in prayer. The Bible teaches that we should not rely on our understanding but acknowledge God in all our ways. When we do, he promises to direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Consider this: before Jesus chose his disciples, he went to the mountain and prayed all night (Luke 6:12-13). He relied on the Father’s guidance, and so should we - in all aspects of our lives. Dedicate some time for prayer and ask God to direct you to the right couple. Pray that he would prepare their hearts to be receptive to you.

Do you have a relationship with the couple?

If you are merely acquaintances with the mentor couple you desire, you may need to first build a relationship. Anyone is bound to feel ambushed if you show up out of the blue and request mentorship. You can weave your way into their circle by getting involved in activities/programs they fancy or even in their hobbies. As they get used to you, you can request to visit them or go out on a coffee date. As the friendship blossoms, you can then broach the mentorship subject.

Is the couple submitted to Christ?

“Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).

Look out for a mentor couple that is yielded to the Lordship of Christ. This will be evident in the way they live. Do they love others? Do their lives reflect their reverence for God and obedience to his word? They will not be perfect but their pursuit of Christlikeness will be hard to miss.

It’s also important to note that any mentor couple is to be imitated only to the extent they imitate Christ. If they for instance offer any advice that contradicts scripture, the couple under mentorship should disregard it. Our first allegiance is to God and not to any man. Every bit of advice received should be filtered through God’s word.

“But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).

Do you admire their marriage?

Like begets like. Seek mentorship from a couple whose marriage you admire. Jesus taught that a good tree cannot bear bad fruit. A couple worth emulating will exude admirable virtues like mutual respect, trust, unity, integrity, healthy boundaries, prioritizing each other, authenticity, and good communication among others. Jesus taught that we get to know people by their fruits (Mathew 7:20). The mentor couple of your choice should be one whose marriage displays the virtues you and your spouse would love to replicate in your marriage.

How long have they been married?

You want to choose a mentor couple that has been married for a substantial amount of time. Such a couple will draw from their wealth of experience and the lessons gleaned from the challenges surmounted in their marriage. A young, inexperienced couple will not be best suited as a mentor couple, though you can have them as accountability partners.

Are they discreet?

“Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered" (Proverbs 11:13).

Marriage mentorship will require you to be vulnerable to your couple of choice. When faced with issues you can’t resolve, you may often reach out to them. They therefore need to be trustworthy and discreet. They should be honorable and you should feel safe with them.

Are they willing?

Your mentor couple may tick all the boxes outlined above. But. Are they willing to take you and your spouse under their wings? If you sense hesitancy, it is best to stop pursuing them and trust God for another couple that will mentor you ungrudgingly.

How can you reciprocate?

“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31).

Be careful not to form a lopsided relationship with your mentor couple where they will always be the ones pouring into your lives. Sooner or later, they may get weary of that arrangement. Look out for ways in which you can reciprocate their kindness. Let them know that you don’t take them for granted. For instance, if they have young children, you can offer to babysit. You can also run errands for them, or offer your expertise when needed.

Exploring these questions can guide us to finding a great mentoring relationship that will be a blessing to our lives. As we are blessed, we have the opportunity to bless others in return.