What if I Am Unequally Yoked to My Spouse?

Paul warned believers against becoming yoked unequally with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). Differing fundamental commitments means you would always be pulling in different directions. In the Old Testament, we find the concept of being unequally yoked mentioned by Moses as he issues various laws on how to live. He warns the children of Israel against yoking an ox alongside a donkey while tilling the land (Deut 22:10). Tilling was done by tethering a yoke (a wooden beam) across the shoulders of two animals. The yoke was then connected to the plow. God frowned upon the practice of coupling animals of different species because they had different strengths and abilities. The donkey was naturally weaker than the ox, and this incongruence would have them moving at different paces and predispose them to injuries. Besides, it would take more time to get the job done.

Paul warns against believers getting yoked with unbelievers because they are naturally unequal in life goals. And this discouragement is not limited to marriage. It speaks to the life of a believer in general. Caution is to be exercised, for instance, while entering business partnerships and forging close friendships with unbelievers. However, marriage is the most intimate human relationship designed by God. In marriage, a couple morphs from being two individuals to one flesh. Their lives get enmeshed. If one is an unbeliever, or one spouse comes to the faith after marriage, there is bound to be a disparity in their beliefs and values.

Those not already married ought to take Paul’s admonition very seriously. But what happens when one is already married to an unbeliever? How should the believing spouse conduct themselves? Is all hope lost for the marriage? Far from it!

God sees you

“So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, ‘You are a God of seeing,’ for she said, ‘Truly here I have seen him who looks after me’” (Genesis 16:13).

Consider Hagar, who was fleeing from Sarai her mistress. She had despised Sarai and in return been treated harshly. She had it coming. But God still reaches out to her, her mistakes notwithstanding. God comforts her and promises to multiply her offspring. In the same way, regardless of how you found yourself unequally yoked, God sees you. He doesn’t condemn you but wants you to know that he still has a good purpose for your marriage.

You can, therefore, boldly cast all your anxiety regarding your marriage upon him because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). Pray for your spouse to find salvation. Pray boldly for your marriage to thrive, your spiritual differences notwithstanding.

Let your light shine

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul advises those with unbelieving spouses not to seek divorce. He reassures that the unbelieving spouse is made holy on the account of the believing spouse. He then adds “For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:16). As a believer, remember that you are a reflection of Christ; your spouse has a front-row seat to your life. Wouldn’t it be beautiful if they were drawn to Christ by your light? So let your light shine ever so brightly, and who knows? Your spouse may be pulled in like a magnet.

Don’t pester but model

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1-2).

Nothing will be more off-putting for your spouse than if you keep pestering them to embrace your faith. Refrain from bombarding your spouse with the gospel. Desist from preaching to them, sending them sermons, asking them to read the Bible, and using other aggressive tactics. Your spouse is likely to feel nagged and consequently retract like a turtle to its shell.

Instead, allow your spouse to be stirred towards accepting your faith by merely observing your life. Be a letter from Christ, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God (2 Corinthians 3:3). And while at it, be careful not to don a “holier than thou” attitude while dealing with your spouse. Remember that you, too, are a sinner, albeit a forgiven one. You also have flaws and you are by no means superior to your unbelieving spouse.

Connect with your spouse

Don’t allow the spark in your marriage to peter out just because you cannot enjoy spiritual intimacy with your spouse. You can still fan into flame the emotional, physical, and intellectual intimacy of your marriage. Have fun as a couple and explore shared interests. Go for dates, movies, picnics, and any other activities that interest you. Don’t ditch the things that brought you together in the first place.

Love your spouse God's way

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22).

Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

Contending with the spiritual disparity between you and your spouse may snuff out your joy and threaten to make your heart stone cold. You may struggle to love your spouse wholeheartedly. You may, at times, feel repulsed by them. Like David, your heart and flesh may fail (Psalm 73:26).

God did not intend for us to follow our feelings in loving and staying committed to our spouses. He wants wives to submit to their husbands as unto God and husbands to love wives as Christ loved the church. As image-bearers of God, we are never asked to submit to mistreatment or abuse. God tells us to confront bad behavior and bring in support from others if the unhealthy behavior goes unchanged (Matthew 18:15-20). When we just have differences of opinion, God calls us to live together in love. When our efforts go belly up, we need to fix our eyes on Jesus. Remove your focus from your unbelieving husband or wife and honor them as an act of obedience to God. It won’t be easy but God assures us that his grace is sufficient.

Bear with your spouse

“We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up” (Romans 15:1-2).

The scriptures prescribe an interesting way of dealing with the failings of others--bearing with them and seeking to please them. As the believing spouse, you have your work cut out for you. Some of your spouse’s values and actions may be downright disheartening. But Christ asks you to bear with his/her failings. Granted, believers cannot achieve this kind of patience by themselves. We can only keep the commands of God through the help of the Holy Spirit. We can fix our eyes on Christ who did not come on earth to please himself but to offer his life for an undeserving world. As you please your spouse, Paul observes that it is for their good, to build them up. Granted, we may not know how this building up may pan out. But who knows--your spouse may accept the Lordship of Christ just because you chose to bear with them and please them!

Being married to an unbeliever can attract a lot of conflict in a marriage. But remember that only God can draw your spouse to Himself, just the way he drew you (John 6:44). So let your light shine and leave the salvation of your spouse to God. And remember to enjoy your marriage while you are at it.