When its Difficult Expressing Your Concerns in Marriage

Expressing your needs and feelings to your significant other should be as easy as ABC right? Though that sounds like the ideal situation, articulating your thoughts can be difficult. Life has its twists and turns, and a spouse may find themselves unable to lay their heart bare to their partner. Effective communication is a critical component of marriage as it fosters unity and trust, yet it can be challenging. When a spouse struggles to communicate their needs, the health of the marriage is inadvertently stifled in one way or another. Uncommunicated feelings and unmet needs tend to breed resentment. 

Effective communication is two-way, both partners need to feel heard and understood. When you don’t feel like your spouse listens to you or even attempts to understand you, you may feel ignored and isolated, and even less likely to communicate. Since you got married hoping for companionship, you may experience disillusionment with the marriage. Scripture says that anxiety in someone's heart weighs them down, but a good word makes them glad (Proverbs 12:25). Good communication is an effective antidote to resentment and apprehension in marriage.

What should you do if you find it hard to express your needs and feelings in marriage? Here are some thoughts to consider.

God is big on communication

Throughout the scriptures, we see God prioritizing communication. We talk to him through prayer and he speaks to us in his word through the Holy Spirit. God wants us to foster an intimate relationship with him and invites us to seek him diligently (Hebrews 11:6). He sent his son Jesus to bridge the rift that hindered our communion with him. In Isaiah 1:18, we see God reaching out to the rebellious people of Israel and inviting them to go to him so that they would reason together.

Communication is upheld repeatedly in scripture and is central to our relationship with God. In the same way, God expects us to communicate with each other, especially in marriage. Two cannot walk together unless they have agreed (Amos 3:3). Part of becoming one with your spouse involves communicating regularly and effectively. When finding it hard to communicate with your spouse, remember that effective communication is critical to the health of a marriage.

Identify the root cause

There are a myriad of reasons why one may struggle to express their needs in marriage. It could for instance be etched in your childhood. Perhaps you were belittled as a child and you learned how to bottle up your feelings. It could also stem from fear of rejection, feelings of unworthiness, fear of being perceived as needy, and being overly independent among other reasons. Perhaps you are fearful because you feel unsafe being vulnerable. It’s important to do some introspection and dig out the root cause so you can address it.

A professional therapist can come in handy in helping you sift through your emotional inhibitions. They will create a safe nonjudgmental environment where you can explore your inclinations. They guide you to communicate assertively and set boundaries to feel safe in your relationships. Counselors can also equip you with skills to help you rise above your emotional inhibitions. You can also talk to a trusted mentor or friend about it and ask them to support you and pray with you in your quest to express your needs freely. Proverbs 11:14 states that where there is no guidance, a people fall, but with an abundance of counselors there is safety. Don’t shy away from seeking wise, godly counsel.

Jot down your thoughts

Does speaking up verbally unsettle you? Chin up, all is not lost--you can jot down your thoughts! I do this all the time, scribbling down my feelings regarding an issue that I intend to share with my husband. The good thing about writing is that it helps you offload your feelings. If you were perhaps seething with fury on a matter, writing offers you a release and helps pacify you. This in turn helps you gain perspective on the issue at hand. With your emotions in check, you are better placed to address the matter without attacking your spouse.

Admittedly, your spouse may find your preferred mode of communication a tad odd. You may need to explain to them that you find it easier to communicate through writing. In the meantime, you can ask them to help you work on your verbal skills.

Draw strength from God's word

Your inability to express your needs and feelings in marriage may be staring you in the face and taunting you. It may have caused you to believe that you will never experience marital satisfaction. As believers, one way of conquering our weaknesses is by exposing them to the word of God. Seek to know what the word of God says concerning our human frailty that threatens to sabotage your progress.

Take Moses for example, in his own words, he was slow of speech and tongue (Exodus 4: 10). Yet God was giving him an assignment that hinged on his exact weakness. He was to confront Pharaoh and deliver the Israelites from captivity. He fiercely resisted this assignment but God assured him that being the one who made his mouth, he would be with him and teach him what to say.

God’s strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. The very areas that make us feel inadequate are the areas where God intends to display his power in our lives- literally showing off through us. Paul delighted in his weaknesses for that’s when he felt the power of Christ rest upon him. Your inability to express your needs is an avenue through which God's strength can be displayed. Yield to God this weakness and allow him to flip it around for his glory.

Plan ahead

Planning can help you conquer your inhibitions where communicating with your spouse is concerned. Take time to achieve clarity of thought on the message you intend to pass across. Jot down your thoughts and arrange them systematically. You can practice verbalizing the message over and over beforehand till the words roll off your mouth with ease. Remember to choose a suitable time and place for communication. Be honest but respectful. Do not shame your spouse. With practice, you are bound to ace the art of communicating your needs and feelings freely to your spouse.

“If the iron is blunt, and one does not sharpen the edge, he must use more strength, but wisdom helps one to succeed” (Ecclesiastes 10:10).