When a Spouse Refuses Counseling

You both agree that your marriage needs help, but there’s a problem. Your spouse is vehemently opposed to the idea of marriage counseling. There are many reasons why a spouse might frown at counseling. They may, for instance, loathe the idea of disclosing their private life to a third party. They may cringe at the idea of getting vulnerable to an outsider, or may view counseling as an unnecessary expense. Some people may also be averse to marriage counseling due to the stigma associated with seeking professional help. Whatever the reasons may be, rejection of help is utterly disheartening for the willing spouse. Furthermore, this dissonance can thrust the couple deeper into conflict. What do you do when your spouse is unwilling to attend counseling? Does it signal the end of the road for your marriage? Far from it! Here are some suggestions to help you and your spouse stay afloat.

Avoid nagging your Spouse

Your spouse's hesitancy towards counseling may throw you for a loop and lure you into a negative cycle. One may resort to pleading with their spouse trying to convince them to engage in counseling. However, nagging a spouse may leave them feeling pestered and judged. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines nagging as persistently annoying or finding fault with someone. Persistently nagging a spouse becomes counterproductive and may even fortify their resolve against counseling. Besides, it's nearly impossible to drag an adult to counseling. They may be present physically but absent emotionally, all the while simmering in resentment. Resist the temptation to nag your spouse and explore other ways of bringing them on board.

Move at their pace

Your spouse may be hesitant to undergo marriage counseling if they are uncertain about how things will turn out. They may be worried that you and the therapist may be in cahoots, intending to hang them out to dry. They may also not have an iota of idea how marriage counseling is conducted, causing them to snub it in its entirety. As such, allow them as much time as they need to warm up to it. Do not rush them. Encourage them to research the matter without putting pressure on them. Allow them time to turn it over in their mind. Eventually, their apprehension towards counseling may dissipate into thin air. When they are ready and raring to go, you can give them the leeway to pick a therapist of their choice.

Consider other approaches to improve your marriage

Though your spouse may be unwilling to attend marriage counseling, it often doesn't mean they are disinterested in sprucing up the marriage. They may still be open to other approaches which they may consider more private and subtle. Both of you can for instance attend a marriage seminar, enroll in an online course, or read marriage books. If your spouse is agreeable, you can also speak to a couple you trust or even your pastor. 

Additionally, both of you can also agree to do an overhaul on your marriage and embrace habits that will give your marriage a new lease on life. Such habits include spending more time together, communicating effectively, nurturing emotional intimacy, exploring shared interests, and being more affectionate among others.

Undoubtedly, marriage counseling is not the only way to restore a marriage. If both of you are dedicated to nurturing healthier habits, your marriage can still thrive.

Attend individual therapy

Though it’s gut-wrenching to hear your partner wave off marriage counseling, all is not lost. You can still benefit from individual counseling. Through individual counseling, you can acquire skills to help you muddle through the challenge at hand. While at it, your therapist will also help you shine the light on any negative habits you have nurtured in your marriage.

You may also begin to understand why your partner reacts the way they do which may inspire empathy towards them. And who knows, as you become a better version of yourself, your spouse may be stirred towards change as well.

Look to God

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change” (James 1:17).

When it all gets down to brass tacks, we need to realize that only God can breathe life into a marriage. As you explore counseling and other ways of perking up your marriage, depend fully on God. Only he can bring lasting change and turn your marriage around. Besides, there is not a single blessing that you enjoy that God has not bestowed on you. He is the author and finisher of our lives.

King David reminds us that unless God builds a house, they labor in vain that build it (Psalm 127:1). Ensure you are not laboring in vain where your marriage is concerned. Commit to God through prayer what you desire upon your marriage and have faith in his unending love and mercy. He promises that He will not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11). While God does not promise to restore all our relationships in this broken world, we do have the assurance that God walks faithfully with us through every challenge that we face.