What Makes a Good Apology?

Marriage requires a lot of apologies. I’ve been married for eleven years and I can guarantee you that I’ve apologized more to my wife than any other person in my life. Whoever chooses the marriage vows should think about adding, “I promise to start and end every day by apologizing to you.”

Apologies are a natural part of marriage because of the couple’s proximity to each other. I live closer to my wife physically, emotionally, and spiritually than anyone else. With two people that close, there’s no pretending that feelings won’t get hurt occasionally. When feelings get hurt, repair is necessary. Relational repair begins with apologies.

Communicating you’ve done wrong

Apologies start with a confession. Confession is always the beginning of healing broken relationships. Confession heals because it implies a posture of humility; a willingness to say I don’t know everything and I’m not always right. James 5:16 reads, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Whenever you realize you’ve sinned against your spouse even if it’s something small, an effective way to heal that brokenness is through confession. Here’s an example:

“Hey honey, I am sorry about the joke I made about you at dinner last night. My words were insensitive and I am sorry if I hurt you.”

Prioritize your love and connection

Communicate your commitment to the relationships and give assurance of your love. After you’ve owned your mistake, take a moment to tell your spouse how much you love them and that you regret your words and actions that hurt. Regardless of how secure our relationship may feel, when harm has occurred, reassuring our spouse is a vital part of making a repair. We all need to be told, “I love you and I hate it when I hurt you.” Here’s an example:

“When I realized I offended you, I felt awful because I love you more than anyone else in the world. I want to cherish and encourage you. I don’t want to be the reason you feel discouraged.”

How can I make amends?

Ask your spouse what he or she needs to know you are committed to change. This step in apologizing is especially important if your offense has been an ongoing issue. Asking what your spouse needs invites them to partner with you in the healing process of reconciliation. It communicates that you don’t take your offense lightly and you are committed to growing. An example of communicating your desire to change might look something like:

“I want to change my behavior. Is there anything I can do to assure you I’m committed to change? Is there anyway I can make it up to you?”

Of course, the most important way to make amends is to take whatever action is necessary to change your behavior. As Jesus taught us in Matthew 5:30, “And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Or as the early church father John Chrysostom says, “Repentance is not what is spoken in words but what is confirmed by deeds.” Effective apologies demand changed behavior.

Ask for forgiveness

Finally, ask for forgiveness. To truly ask for forgiveness from another person is to put yourself at their will. Even if your spouse needs more time to forgive you, you can still communicate you want to be forgiven because you love them and want to live at peace with them. You don’t want anything to come between you. Here’s one way to ask for forgiveness:

“Thanks for letting me know what you need from me in order to feel assured that I’ll change. Will you also forgive me? I’m truly sorry for creating this hurdle in our relationship. I don’t want anything to come between us. I love you.”

Apologies may not come easy to you. That’s okay. Practice. Practice. Practice. You’ll have plenty of opportunities. The reward of a life of apologies is an honest and vulnerable relationship with your spouse. Most importantly, though, God uses these moments to make us more like Christ and shape us into who he wants us to be. As Pastor Maryetta Anschutz writes, “Do not be holy because it is what the world expects of you; rather, learn to live holy lives because a closer relationship to the God who sees in secret will be reward enough.”