Managing Anger in Marriage

It was around 11:45 at night. My wife and I were both tired and worn out and all we wanted to do was get some rest so that we could begin the next day with enough energy to get through the day.

But it wasn’t going to happen. A couple of hours earlier, one of us had said something that didn’t sit well with the other, sparking a disagreement that led to a conflict, that led to fighting and hurt feelings, but no resolution. Both of us knew that the bible says not to “let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). While technically the sun had set a few hours ago, we still wanted to honor God’s word, and so there we were, lying in bed, trying to wrap this up with angry words flying back and forth, hurt feelings all around. The conflict only intensifying with each passing moment. Was this God’s intention? Looking back, I’m not so sure. What does it look like for us to handle our anger in a way that is healthy and constructive?

Know Your Style

Some years ago, I bought a pressure cooker, which cooks food in two phases. It heats up and builds steam pressure. Once the cooking is finished, the steam valve releases all that pressure, spewing steam everywhere.

It occurred to me that these two phases mirror two ways that many people handle conflict. Some people prefer to ignore anger; perhaps you have learned that anger is dangerous, and maybe even wrong. You may have been a witness to a volatile temper, or a parent’s unpredictable fury. So, determined not to repeat that mistake you avoid conflict at all costs. You shut down when a problem arises, and when asked, “What’s wrong?” you reply with a simple, “Nothing!” Anger, you will soon learn, doesn’t go away. The pressure builds and eventually, it will leak out in other ways. Later, Paul warns against unwholesome talk, bitterness, and slander, and indeed, each of these can result from letting anger build up over time (Ephesians 4).

Some people vent their anger like a fast release of steam; they are convinced that authenticity and being true to self means releasing every emotion without restraint, and so when they are angry, they spew their anger towards their coworkers, their spouse, their children, their pastor, or whoever might all be in the line of fire. But Paul warns us against this as well: “in your anger, do not sin” (Eph. 4:26). Indeed, much sin can tumble out of us when we simply unleash our anger. Paul cautions us when we are angry that we should not “give the devil a foothold.” In other words, our anger can make us an easy target for Satan to exploit. He can prompt us to say things that we can’t take back, to do things that can’t be undone, or to act in a way that is hurtful and destructive.

Knowing which style of anger you naturally gravitate towards can help you avoid the efforts of the evil one who will try to exploit your anger, and will help you practice anger constructively. lf you are married, it can be helpful to identify how both you and your spouse handle anger because the different combinations of styles can create different dynamics in your relationship.

“Be angry”

Contrary to what many understand, scripture not only permits anger, but it actually commands anger. In Ephesians 4:27, Paul is quoting Psalm 4:4, where the Psalmist uses the imperative; he is commanding us to anger! Why would he do so? Because anger is a legitimate emotion. Anger expresses our displeasure and opposition to that which is wrong or evil in the world, and so anger is fitting in the face of injustice, violence, and evil. Some of us need to give ourselves permission to have and express anger. When your spouse shows up an hour late and doesn’t bother to call, or when your supervisor belittles you in front of your colleagues, or when we bear witness to bigotry or injustice in our society, it’s appropriate to be angry.

Naming our anger is often helpful and learning to communicate why you are angry is even more constructive. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you put into words what it is that has upset you, and then to communicate that to the person with whom you are angry. More than that, ask the Holy Spirit to help you dig beneath your anger to find out why that particular action has made you angry. When the dirty laundry is left on the floor, you might be angry not just because your room looks messy, but because underneath, you feel disregarded by your spouse. Learning to use “I” statements that emphasize your perspective and point of view will help you to communicate your anger in a helpful way.

“…but do not sin.”

When conflict arises, and you become angry, you are holding a radioactive substance in your hands. Anger is necessary – but mishandling it can lead to lasting damage. There are a couple of steps you can take to avoid doing or saying something that can’t be undone. First off, commit to resolution. On that fateful evening, my wife and I were committed to resolving our problem – but we made the mistake of assuming that we had to take the text literally and solve our problem that very night. What we’ve since learned to do is to communicate to each other that we are committed to working through the problem. This reassurance allows us to set the issue aside long enough to get some rest and revisit the problem when we’re both in a better frame of mind.

Sometimes, the conflict intensifies to a point where one or both of us feel overwhelmed or flooded with emotion such that we need to take a break. These are the moments where we are prone to saying something we will regret or acting in a way that we can’t undo. When this happens, we’ve learned that we need to say that we need a break and that we’d like time apart. When this happens, it’s the responsibility of the person who needs a break to specify when the conversation can resume. Taking a break like this is invaluable because it gives time and space for the emotions to calm down, and to think through more carefully why we’re upset, and what we need to apologize for.

“Forgive one another…”

Paul concludes this section by urging us to “forgive one another, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” The cornerstone in handling anger lies in our willingness and ability to forgive. Anger can build over time, grudges can accumulate, and resentment toward those who have hurt us can fester as time passes. As this happens, our relationship with our spouse, our friend, or our fellow believer will fray, and can eventually fracture. Forgiveness is our commitment to releasing the other person from what they have done to us.

The power for forgiveness – and thus the power for working through our anger – lies in recognizing how God deals with us. By nature, we are all “children of wrath” – but God pays the penalty for our sins in order to forgive us. When we sense anger building towards another person, it can help us if we remind ourselves how God forgives us much – we will never have to forgive as much in another as God has already forgiven within us. Such grace ought to soften even our righteous anger and enable us to forgive those who have done us wrong. Forgiving doesn't mean that we don't hold the other person accountable for their actions. Some behavior requires boundaries and limit setting. We can forgive to lay aside our anger without allowing someone to keep hurting us.

If you notice that anger frequently spills over into your relationships, take heart! Anger can be a helpful emotion, provided that we learn to manage it well. Don’t bottle it up, and don’t use it as a weapon to hurt others. Instead, learn to express anger, work through your conflict, and ultimately “forgive, just as God, in Christ, forgave you.”