A Triple-A Strategy for Navigating Conflict

Have you ever been stranded on the side of the road and had to wait for a tow truck? I remember sitting at a parking lot during a frigid January day, waiting for a tow truck and being thankful that I was a AAA-plus card member. Although I do not receive any financial support from AAA insurance for this article, I was so thankful that I was prepared before I needed a tow.

In the same way, it is important that marriages have a AAA response plan for when communication breaks down. In order to keep from being relationally stranded, it is imperative to follow a AAA plan. When communicating, if a couple remembers to Acknowledge the pain, Ask for clarity, and Allow time to process, it will keep many a marriage from staying stranded on the side of the relational road.

Acknowledge the pain

So often we are too interested in defending ourselves from unjust criticism that we do not realize that our spouse is in pain. Imagine your spouse comes to you and says, “What you said really hurt.” and you respond with, “Well that is not what I meant, you shouldn’t have been so sensitive…” How is your spouse likely to respond? Suppose instead you acknowledge their pain. “I can see how that could have been really hurtful.” At this moment your spouse will feel heard and validated. This is not the same as apologizing for what you didn’t do, this is acknowledging that you can truly see how your spouse’s understanding of what was said could indeed be painful.

Ask for clarity

This is your chance to help understand and be understood. A great question to ask for understanding is, “Can you help me understand what you mean by…?” If you give your spouse a chance to clarify what they mean, they will feel heard, and you will also be able to give clarification. “Can I share with you what I meant when I said, or did…?” A great follow-up question for clarity is, “How did you come to that conclusion?” This follow-up question helps you understand your spouse’s thinking and authority behind the hurt or misunderstanding.

Allow time

It is foolish to expect your spouse to agree with you directly after you have shared your perspective. Many times we mistake communication for instant agreement. Communication takes time. Proverbs 30:33 says, “For pressing milk produces curds, pressing the nose produces blood, and pressing anger produces strife.” If we try to force someone to agree with us, without allowing time to process, we will produce anger. This simple phrase, can help both of you allow time to consider your spouse’s perspective, “Thank you for sharing, will you allow me some time to process and pray about what you said?” This phrase must be followed up on so that it is not used as a stall technique but as a genuine chance to process. If you ask for time, it is good to set a specific time to readdress the conversation. “Thank you for allowing me some time to think through this, can we meet tomorrow after supper to talk more about this…?”

So next time you are stranded on the relational road, I would encourage you to remember to call AAA and acknowledge the hurt, ask for clarity, and allow time to process.