Rules for Fair Fighting: Rule #7

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #7: Start Softly 

How well do you receive constructive criticism? How well do you offer it? 

There will be times in all marriages when one spouse needs to challenge the other. But how we address hurtful or inconsistent behavior is crucial. If we start with a critical spirit that is angry, blaming, nagging, and negative, it’s going to have a damaging impact on our conversation and relationship.

 Constructive criticism requires the right motivation and context. If you approach your spouse’s behavior from your own perspective, just because you want things done your way, it’s easy for negativism to creep into your relationship. 

But criticism can be given well when you lovingly call your spouse to accountability by following a few, simple rules. Use “I” statements that describe your experience, rather than “you” accusations that condemn your partner from the beginning. Address behaviors (when you do this, or that), not character (you’re so mean, or dumb, or lazy). Practice this model: “In this situation, when you do that behavior, I feel….” For example, “When we’re on the freeway with the kids, when you drive fast, I feel unsafe.” That’s a much more productive approach than attacking with “You’re a terrible driver!” 

Giving criticism in love can lead to transformation, but criticism apart from love is merely condemnation. Ephesians 4:15 tell us, “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ.”