Invest in Your Marriage (It's Bigger than the Wedding)

Rev. Deb Koster

March 10, 2019

If money spent is an indication of value, you would think that, for most, the wedding is much more important than the marriage. Any of the TV wedding shows display ridiculous amounts of money going into a spectacular ceremony and party. Every bride wants her wedding day to be special and memorable, but what about planning for a spectacular marriage? Long after the wedding dress has been stowed away, the marriage will need to be tended for a lifetime.

Invest in the marriage

Every bride and groom would benefit from counseling to evaluate their readiness for marriage. Many pastors require this as part of the wedding preparations. They examine areas of relationship strength and consider areas where the couple could use more conversation. Couples learn skills for managing conflict and enter marriage with more realistic expectations. Healthy communication becomes the common language of our relationships.

Treat yourself to premarital counseling

Counseling is a gift to your marriage. Often, dating couples, who maybe by definition are inexperienced in complex intimate relationships, do not see the value in premarital counseling. Being in love, they don’t really anticipate conflict or troubles, so they don’t understand why they would need counseling. Couples assume they’ll sail through any potential problems, so the limited resources get directed to the wedding, expecting smooth sailing ever after the ceremony.

Invest Early

Even when the engagement is a rocky one, once plans are publicly set into motion, couples are reluctant to back out or postpone the wedding in order to put the marriage on a healthy foundation. No one wants to cancel a wedding after they have just mailed all of their invitations. Thus, it is wisest to engage in counseling well before dates are set. The best time for counseling is immediately after engagement, before wedding planning begins in earnest. Troubled couples will not only save embarrassment, but have more time for healthy growth if they have premarital counseling early in their engagement. Even since biblical times, wise counsel has been important for navigating relationships.

  • By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom (Proverbs 13:10).
  • Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed (Proverbs 15:22).
  • Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety(Proverbs 11:14).
  • Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future (Proverbs 19:20).

Go deep

Sometimes the counseling from the officiating pastor is limited to reading a few scripture verses and planning the ceremony. Some ministers are not interested in digging deeper into full biblical perspectives of issues couples carry into marriage. Ministers may be busy, be uncomfortable with frank discussion, or lack the training for dealing with more significant issues. As a rule, you should be meeting multiple times, say five or six meetings, to talk about all areas of life together—emotional, spiritual, physical, financial, and more. A good sign is if your pastor uses some sort of questionnaire or inventory to capture a snapshot of how you are together. Take the time to dig deep into your concerns so you are not bringing past brokenness into your relationship.

Be a life-long learner

Unlike the wedding plans that evaporate when the ceremony is finished, marriage management is ongoing. Recognize that your marriage is an ever-evolving creature that will need intentional care both to start off well and to be cultivated for years to come. When we counsel a couple, we ask them to invest in date time, anniversary getaways, marriage retreats, couples devotionals, or reading a marriage book regularly. We encourage them to find a mentoring couple to be a resource for their relationship. Marriages need the planning and investment of a wedding as well as ongoing support!

So plan beyond the wedding. Build a firm foundation early, and tend to it throughout the years!

About the author — Rev. Deb Koster

Deb Koster is a producer, writer, and speaker for Family Fire. She is also an Innkeeper at The Parsonage Inn in Grand Rapids, MI where she leads marriage retreat on weekends. After over 20 years as a Registered Nurse, she completed a Master of Divinity degree and was ordained as a pastor in the Christian Reformed Church. Deb and her husband Steven enjoy doing ministry together and they are the parents of three awesome young adults.

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