Supporting a Friend through Divorce

Friendships exponentially deepen when you can be a friend in the most challenging times. When you can show up even when it’s uncomfortable, it proves you are not in it for only yourself. I’m grateful that I can think of a handful of friends who have stuck with me through the darkest seasons of my life. They were there through grief, heartache, and suffering. They are the kind of friends who know how to be present without needing to fix my problems, who know when to rely on humor to lighten my mood, and who remind me that I’m loved even when I don’t feel it.

Recently, I’ve been able to be that kind of friend to someone going through a divorce. I want to reflect on some of the lessons I’ve learned through that experience.

Lead with listening, not judgment

Divorce is not God’s intention for marriage, but it is commonplace today. God designed marriage to be a life-long covenant relationship. Couples promise to stay by each other’s side in sickness and health, for richer or poorer. Yet, the reality is that many couples, even Christian couples, decide to end their marriage for a variety of reasons. It may feel shocking to find out your friend is getting a divorce, but you haven’t experienced their pain. Even with divorce rates on the decline, fractured relationships are all too common. So, don't rush to the judgment route when a friend initially confides in you. Rather, lament with them over the broken relationship and be a resounding gong of love in their ears.

You will always get a one-sided story

Focus on the friend in front of you. Like me, you may wonder how your friend’s spouse might describe the reasons for the divorce. You may want to hear the other side of the story. Yet, resist that urge, as you're not here to make a judgment. Rather, be present to the friend before you. One of their greatest needs is to tell their story. They’ve most likely not felt heard for a long time within their marriage and must know their friend will listen. As you make space for them to speak, there is a high chance you’ll begin to hear the real story of pain they’ve been carrying for a long time.

Learn to stay amid pain

The best friends in hard times are those who can be present without needing to fix me. When a friend comes to you with news of a divorce, the time for fixing the marriage has most likely passed. They’ve tried marriage therapy and read books, but now they just need a friend with whom they can share their feelings of pain, anger, and relief. Listening may not feel like you’re doing a lot, but the power of a calm presence amid a crisis can help people cling to hope in profound ways.

Turn to prayer

Invoking God’s name amid the shame of divorce can be a healing balm. Even though God didn’t intend marriages to end in divorce, his promises to us remain the same: “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Heb. 13:5). Of course, this doesn’t mean disguising a form of fixing your friend by quoting a bible verse. Instead, it means consistently bringing them before the Lord in prayer. Prayer is the ability to live with your friends in your heart and on your mind and to acknowledge them time and again before your Father in heaven, just as Jesus lives with us in his heart in the throne room of God. Prayer is not a platitude; it is the most courageous act we can do to love our hurting friends.

Expand the circle of support

Remember that supporting the weight of your friend’s divorce does not rest squarely with you. Encourage your friend to reach out to others for support just as they’ve reached out to you. If you feel like the timing is right, you can even recommend professional support. There are trained therapists available to help people process the trauma of divorce. No one needs to be the sole support for a person in need.

Move at the pace of love

Love is patient. Love does not demand your friend share more than they are comfortable with. Love does not expect them to hurry up and feel happy again. Love meets others time and again with grace and mercy. Love is the best gift you can give to your friend in need.