Love in Action: Choosing to Love your Spouse

After more than ten years of marriage, I’ve learned time and again that the small things mean more than I expect. While I was home for lunch recently, I gave my wife a hug and she mentioned that she just shared with a friend how loving I’ve been towards her lately through hugs. Surprised by this, I asked her to tell me more, and she noticed that we’ve been hugging and holding each other more lately and she has received it as an act of real comfort. More frequent physical touch had happened spontaneously between us, but it was bringing us closer than I even knew. The power of a small action each day can cultivate intimacy between spouses.

Love with your words

My friend, James, is a natural encourager. It seems like every chance he can, he will say a kind word to me and I come away from our conversations feeling cared for. I, on the other hand, have to work at intentionally loving others with my words. It’s not that I say disparaging things about them, but I don’t always use my words to articulate how I feel about them. Yet, the Apostle Paul reminds Christians, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…”(1 Thessalonians 5:11). This is even true in my marriage. Over the years, I’ve learned that a small way I can love my wife each day is by thanking her for something she has done for me or telling her how much I appreciate her gifts in pastoring our church or parenting our children. The more specific I can get the better.

Love with gifts

Julie is a gift-giver. She is known internationally as the person who always remembers birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas cards. She considers carefully what people might appreciate and gives generously. Her giving is a mark of her love for others. Although a gift might not be something you offer to your spouse every day, it can be another thoughtful way to love your spouse. Your spouse might expect something on a birthday or Christmas, but what about next Tuesday? Would a gift card to your husband’s favorite coffee shop be an expression of love for him? Would your wife feel loved if you made her a reservation for a one-hour massage? Gift-giving can be especially fun if you set aside a budget for it each month, then you can both give spontaneously and remind your spouse that you are thinking about them.

Love with your actions

Gifts may come with a price, but actions are free. In our daily routine, I tend to be responsible for doing the dishes after dinner, but the other day, my wife surprised me and cleaned up the whole kitchen before we even sat down for dinner. Of course, it wasn’t necessary, but I felt cherished in that moment of love. She was intentionally seeking a way to lift me up and relieve me from another task on my to-do list. She acted out a biblical directive, “not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:4). I would not have thought twice about doing the dishes that night, but because she did them for me, I was reminded of her sincere love for me.

Love with your time

Jerry is always ready to drop what he’s doing to spend time with me. He’s a pastor who has a lot of responsibilities, but he has always exemplified generous hospitality to me. He doesn’t let the age-old excuse of “I’m too busy” get in the way of spending time with those he loves. Likewise, in your marriage, how is your time management? How do you show your spouse that nothing is more important to you than she or he is? Perhaps, it’s as simple as coming home from work on time or asking your spouse if he wants to play a board game instead of scrolling on your phone. There are endless ways to prioritize your spouse with your time. As you do, your spouse will notice, and together, you can make the most of your time.

Love is not abstract. Love always incarnates itself in our daily actions. Jesus said the greatest command is to love God and love our neighbors. I hope these prompts might help you to be even more intentional in putting Jesus’ command into practice with your spouse. For more on concrete ways we express love, see Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages.