When You Are Feeling So Alone

A recent divorcée said that she does not know where she fits anymore. A widower said that he doesn’t know how to be single after 54 years of marriage. Conversations with young professionals reveal their frustration with the narrow pool of eligible spouses. We even experience family members who have alienated themselves from all familial contact. How do we discuss being alone in diverse scenarios such as these? Is there a thread that binds us in the different ways we struggle with being alone?

Often, this discussion is linked to one’s marital status. We categorize ourselves as married, unmarried, widowed, divorced, separated, selectively single, or dating. Oxford defines ‘alone’ as “having no one else present,” or to be by oneself. Perhaps the question for discussion should be, why is it so hard to be by myself? The question is related to marital status, but not completely based on it. In this regard, we can consider how God sees aloneness and explore how we can be alone and well, alone and whole, and alone and thriving.

Being alone and well

The New Testament book of St. John records the healing of a man at the pool of Bethesda. This was a place where people who were disabled waited for the angelic stirring of the waters which they believed would bring them healing. One day Jesus stopped by the pool and spoke to a man who had lain there 38 years. Jesus asked him if he wanted to get well. The first reason the man gave for never making it into the pool was that he was alone. Jesus didn’t address the response; instead, he told the man to get up, pick up his mat, and walk. Jesus questioned the man’s mindset – do you want to get well? We can ask ourselves the same question. Do we want to remain as we are, thinking we need someone or something to meet all our needs? Or will we step away from what’s holding us back and move forward in faith? 

Interestingly, Jesus did not put the invalid in the water for healing. Instead, he showed the man that the source of healing was not in his belief that others could change his life if they just interacted with him as he wanted. Perhaps he had begged others for help over the years. But he had missed receiving the inner peace God wanted him to have first. God keeps our minds in perfect peace when we trust in him (Isaiah 26:3). Jesus wanted the man to know that he could be well even though he was by himself. Knowing that we are well, emotionally and mentally healthy, when we are in Christ makes being by ourselves less difficult. It helps us to see that this type of wellness is in Christ alone, and he wants to make us whole.

Being alone and whole

Another version of this story records Jesus’ question as, “Do you want to be made whole?” Jesus was asking the man if he wanted to be completely healthy in the condition he was in at that moment, which was by himself. Being by ourselves is difficult when we believe that another person makes us complete. Mathematicians remind us that the number one is a whole number. That is, there are no fractions or decimals in a whole number. One of my brothers cringes when people ask him about his “better half,” as if he was a fraction. When scripture references marriage, it says that two became one (Mark 10:8-9), not two halves become a whole. Therefore, with or without marriage, we are already complete; we are already whole. Certainly, the devastation of death, separation, or divorce causes a ripping away of the bond we once had with someone else. And it requires time to be restored to a sense of wholeness, as evidenced by those who spoke of finding their new place in life. For others, the pain of being single may seem overwhelming. Yet, believing that we are whole even though we are by ourselves can give us a different perspective.

The man at the pool of Bethesda hoped for a life that was more than he was experiencing at the time. He was using all his time and energy waiting for the one thing he thought would bring him happiness. But it wasn’t until he encountered Jesus that his life changed. Jesus wants us to experience and enjoy life as individuals, regardless of our situation. He said, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (in John 10:10). He promises that he will come into our hearts and fellowship with us when we accept his invitation (Revelation 3:20). We will then have the fullness of Christ dwelling within us. He alone is our source of joy and peace, so we are complete in him. Being whole in Christ creates abundant love and joy we can extend to others.

Being alone and thriving

After healing the man, Jesus directs him to move forward. There is no record or explanation of why his family was not with him. But we can imagine that if he had a family, he would have run home to reconnect with them. Although Jesus does not heal every physical illness, he does heal every wounded heart. Hearts damaged by trauma can cause individuals to withdraw from others and live as victims who are fearful of being hurt again. But God promises, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26). When our hearts are touched by Christ, we are enabled to both give and receive love.

God created us to be in fellowship with him and with others. When we intentionally cut ourselves off from safe relationships, we deny our God-given need for fellowship. Rev. Jason Perry advises, “Guard against isolation. A healthy community can step up for us when we don’t have the emotional capacity to stand up for ourselves.” We learn from Psalm 68:6 that God sets the lonely in families. Seemingly then, God expects the church to be a place where those who are alone can thrive as they fellowship in a community of believers who are sensitive to their needs and provide opportunities for them to share their gifts with others.

Even if people are alone due to abandonment, Jesus’ directive to move forward does not change. “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you’” (Hebrews 13:6b). Believing in that promise brings us full circle to the original question of why it is so difficult to be by ourselves. Yet the truth is that we are never alone. God is always with us. The difficulty comes when we let that promise slip away from our hearts. Or when we look for completeness in other people or things. God wants us to remember that we can be complete in him. He waits with open arms to heal us and make us whole as he walks beside us, making the impossible possible.