Responding to Chaos with Calm

Do you feel emotionally exhausted? Are your emotions often influenced by someone else’s? Do you “take on” the emotional problems of others? If like me, you have at times said yes to these questions, consider these valuable techniques that help to better manage emotions. Learning to control our emotions, will lead us to experience more stability and peace throughout the day. An important part of this emotional maturity is deciding not to match people’s emotions but rather to meet their emotions by developing clear boundaries, learning emotional control, and embracing our dueling emotions.

Matching versus Meeting Emotions

Emotions can be contagious. If one person starts yelling at someone in anger, how likely is it that the person being yelled at will start to raise their voice too? The odds are probably high. If a driver is afraid of getting into a car accident, the passenger might start to become fearful as well as the driver doesn’t appear to have confidence in his abilities. It is the same for other emotions, such as joy and silliness. Sometimes, these emotional “match ups” can be a good thing and lead to a fun comradery. However, “catching” someone’s emotions can cause some problems when we echo unhealthy emotional responses.

So, rather than matching people’s emotions, let’s work on meeting their emotions instead. We can come alongside others and sit with them in their sorrow or anxiety and not take those emotions upon ourselves. We can show empathy and be there for people emotionally, without experiencing their emotions firsthand. Here are some questions to think about before moving forward.

• How productive is it when you “match” someone's emotions?
• When your friend is upset, how quickly do you become upset too?
• Do you match your friends/spouse’s energy during a conversation?

Boundaries: Be Your Own Person

Having emotional boundaries involves knowing your emotions and differentiating how your emotions are separate from another person's emotions. Your emotions belong to you and although it can be easy for them to be influenced by outside factors, it’s important to remember that they are yours and yours alone to control and experience. Growing up, my mother developed certain anxieties about driving in the snow, which she often vocalized to her driving-aged children. Already prone to anxiety, it didn’t take much for me to embrace my mom’s worries as my own. Rather than being my own person and keeping my emotions in check, I took on my mom’s anxieties. Anxiety did not make learning to drive any easier.

Emotional Control is Key

Remaining in control of your emotions is a necessary component for healthy relationships. Sometimes, it may feel like we have to match emotion for emotion. I’ve heard before: “The only way an angry person will hear me is if I get loud too”. This is adding fuel to the fire and it only escalates a challenging interaction. We have control over our emotions and can choose a better response. I know that this may fall into the category of “easier said than done”, but let’s pursue Christlikeness as we interact with others as the emotional beings we were created to be.

The beauty of “AND”

During these emotional exchanges, let’s remember that our emotions don’t have to be either/or. We are complex beings with complex emotions, meaning we can feel more than one emotion at once. We can be happy for our promotion AND mourn the loss of a friend. We can feel silly with our kids AND stressed by the demands of parenting. We can experience joy and satisfaction AND have moments of fear and uncertainty. Embrace these dueling emotions and own them as YOUR OWN.

A look at scripture

Paul instructs us saying: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil” (Romans 12:17). He goes on to encourage us to live in peace with everyone to the best of our abilities. Again, we see here that control should be present over our emotions. Be peaceable. Be in control of your anger to not seek payment when wronged. One way to accomplish this is by choosing gentleness (Proverbs 15:1). In the Romans passage, Paul says to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). This might appear to be a situation where we are encouraged to “match emotion for emotion”, but let’s read it in the way of being encouraged to sit with someone in their mourning in a controlled way. As we move into a new week, I encourage you to seek out wise choices with your emotions as you walk in the ways of God.