When Grief Won’t Leave You

We can't just snap our fingers and make our grief disappear. As much as we wish to put grief in the rearview mirror, it continues to show up, often unexpectedly, bringing us right back to when the loss was new. A friend who was mourning the loss of both her adult children said, “I just can’t move on.” While we continue to grieve, it feels like everyone around us moves on with their lives, and we wish we could too, but grief’s grip is a difficult hold from which to break free.

What does it look like to bear the burden of grief but continue to engage in life? How do we find contentment when life is filled with the pain of the past?

We can get help

The first step toward finding contentment during grief is to grieve with others. It’s easy to feel isolated when we think no one understands what we’re experiencing. However, there are people who are prepared to support us. For example, GriefShare is a support group that guides you through the grieving process. It connects those who are grieving with others, ensuring that no one has to endure their pain alone. A professional counselor can also be a valuable guide to help you process your grief in meaningful ways and find ways to reengage with life. Reaching out to others who understand what you’re experiencing is a brave move toward healing.

Putting in the work

Although grief often seems like it will never leave us, its weight can be lightened as we learn to process our emotions. This requires effort. You’ve probably heard that “time heals all wounds,” but time alone does not bring healing. What actually heals our wounds is how we use the time we have. Ignoring our pain or pretending like it doesn't impact us won’t bring us healing. We need to put in the hard work of facing our pain and acknowledging its impact. When we engage in the hard work of verbalizing the pain we’re experiencing and reflecting on it with others who understand the complexity of grief, we can start to identify what’s genuinely happening inside us. This is how we process grief.

Giving voice to our grief

As we seek support and begin to process our emotions, we may find that grief still surfaces. It may not appear as often as it once did, but at times, the waves of grief can still overwhelm us. When that happens, where do we turn? A helpful place is the Psalms. The Psalms embrace every emotion. Whether we are feeling angry, sad, numb, or lost, we can turn to the psalmists’ words as our voice when we feel at a loss for words. When you feel helpless, the psalmist says, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psa. 46:10). When you sense that no one understands your struggle, the psalmist says, “Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll—are they not in your record?” (Psa. 56:8). Or when you feel alone, the psalmist says, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psa. 73:25-26). The words of the psalmists remind us that God understands our pain deeply. And even when words fail us God promises that the Spirit intercedes with groans on our behalf as our tears become prayers (Romans 8:26).

Connecting with our comforter

Set your eyes on the author and perfecter of our faith. God knows our struggles and doesn’t need us to be at 100% to be our savior. Instead, Jesus welcomes people in their times of need to bring their burdens to him (Matthew 11:28-30). Jesus even calls those who grieve, mourn, and weep “blessed” (Matt. 5:4; Luke 6:21). The counterintuitive nature of the gospel reminds us that when we are at our lowest, God still reigns and has control over the world. God has taken on all the pain, grief, and suffering of our lives, just as Jesus took on our flesh and endured suffering and grief when he died on the cross. God has also promised us that our future is secure. Although the grief of life might weigh us down today, it will not have the final say. Jesus and the Holy Spirit are praying passionately on our behalf as we face the challenges of life. God continues to promise that one day every tear will be wiped from our eyes, just as Jesus was set free from the pangs of death and rose victorious over the grave. May we lift our eyes to Jesus amid our tears and trust that he is ministering to us today.