Surviving a Breakup

I had never felt more alone than after my first breakup. We had only been dating for six months, but my hopes and dreams for the relationship extended as far as my eyes could see. Fantasies of a life together already consumed me. So, when it ended I felt lost in a maze of confusion. My dad attempted to encourage me by saying, “There are always more fish in the sea,” but that just left me feeling misunderstood. His light-hearted response didn’t match the anvil of pain I felt weighing on my chest. I felt isolated. Why weren’t people taking this breakup as seriously as I felt hurt by it?

Over the years, I’ve learned that it’s difficult for most people to know how to find the support they need after a breakup. Many of us feel like we are wandering down a foggy road, unsure of what lies ahead. The pain is real, but healing is elusive.

Here are four practical steps for beginning your journey of healing and hope after a relationship ends.

It's normal to feel lost

Disillusionment and confusion are normal responses to a breakup. As your relationship ends, it can feel like you are lost in the woods. You may feel disillusioned about future relationships and confused about what happened in your recent relationship. You may feel like there is no way to get back on the right path. I felt this way after my first breakup.

The best thing to do when you’re lost is to ask for directions. It might be as simple as calling your mom or a trusted friend to ask for their support. You might need to reach out to a therapist to help guide you. By reaching out for guidance, you’re opening yourself up to being found again. The path you’re on now is different than before, but it is still the path that Jesus walks with you.

It’s okay to grieve

Grief is a normal response to any loss or change. When you’ve invested time, energy, and emotions into a relationship, you’ve also dreamed about a future with that person. When that kind of relationship ends suddenly or fizzles out slowly, you won’t be able to help but grieve regardless of whether you ended the relationship or not. Grief is simply conflicting emotions. You might feel sadness, but also relief. You might experience anger and also excitement about the future. Grief is messy, but the more you acknowledge it to yourself and others the more your wounds will begin to heal.

Journaling provides clarity

Explore the healing art of journaling. Reflect on what you learned from your past relationship and what you want for a new relationship. I wish someone would have told me my feelings were normal and that there were tools to work through the hurt. Journaling the story of my relationship and naming the ways I was at fault can be an effective tool in the healing process. By journaling, I can wonder about what I learned through the relationship and explore the kind of person I wanted to be with in the future. Yet, it’s never too late to begin this kind of deep reflection. Pick up a pen and paper or open up your notes app and just start getting out of your head by getting your thoughts down in a narrative. Don’t worry about typos or grammar. This is only for you. As you write, ask God to help you be rigorously honest and not fear facing the pain. The more you turn towards the pain, the more you will find God’s healing grace. As the Apostle Paul writes, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”(2 Cor 12:9).

Remember God’s love

Amid relational brokenness, we remember God’s covenant relationship with us. The Father of our Lord Jesus Christ is the God of unconditional love. East of Eden, relationships are always at risk of being disrupted by human sinfulness. Even if our sin doesn’t lead to a breakup, it can still cause cracks to form in our relationships. That doesn’t mean that we should despair, but rather we can acknowledge our need for God. He welcomes the sinner into his presence and promises to make us more like Jesus. When we feel abandoned, alone, or afraid, Jesus is right there with us reminding us that even though we don’t feel loved by the person who we were in a relationship with, we are still loved by God. As Paul writes in Romans, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39).