Removing Envy from Friendships

Envy is like a cancer in relationships. As the cancer grows, the life of the relationship dies. A thirteen-year-old girl named Mary experienced this firsthand. She and her close friend both tried out for their school’s cheer team. Mary made the team, but her friend was cut. Instead of celebrating Mary’s success, her friend started an Instagram group chat with everyone else in their class. Mary said, “There was literally a group chat on Instagram named 'Everyone in the Class but Mary.' All they did on there was talk bad about me.” This led Mary to experience the first panic attacks of her life.

Have you competed against a friend for a role in a play, a position on a sports team, or a promotion at work? When competition enters the bloodstream of a relationship, then envy is often quick to follow. Frederick Buechner describes envy as, “the consuming desire to have everybody else be as unsuccessful as you are.” Instead of celebrating our friend’s success, we sulk about our own failures.

Here are four ways to move from envying friends to celebrating them.

Set your eyes on your humble Savior

The cure for envy begins with looking towards Jesus. Envy rears its ugly head when we are solely focused on ourselves. When we are filled with envy we think things like, “I should have gotten that job,” or “I deserved that trophy.” Yet, as Christians, the Holy Spirit consistently calls us to redirect our gaze from ourselves and towards God. Paul made this plain in his letter to the Philippians, writing, 

“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness” (Philippians 2:5–7).

Jesus made it possible for us to have friendships free from envy and filled with humble love. We don’t have to see our friends as threats to our success. Instead, we can see them as fellow pilgrims on the way of the cross.

Move from competition to service

As we follow Jesus together, we are called to live as servants to all. In Jesus’ upside-down kingdom, true success comes by taking a knee and helping the person beside you get over the obstacle ahead of us. One time, Jesus’ disciples were arguing over who would be first in the kingdom of God. It seems that even those who were closest to Jesus struggled with envy. Yet, Jesus said to them, “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all” (Mark 9:35). Instead of seeing each other as competition for the prized position, Jesus invites us to see each other as co-laborers in his kingdom.

Practice vulnerability

Like a fire without oxygen, envy can’t exist when confession and repentance are present. My friend exemplified this kind of humility when he shared with a group of pastors about his divorces. Instead of telling his story in such a way that everyone thought of him as a hero, he told his story by vulnerably sharing about his failures. He explained how he was at fault in his marriages and why those faults led to divorce. He didn’t make excuses. Instead, he owned his sin. Yet, throughout his story, he made it clear how God had brought about redemption in his life. Of course, he wished he hadn’t gone through the pain of divorce, but God works with even our greatest failures. He showed my friend how much he needed to humble himself and learn to serve others. That’s exactly what he did as he shared his story of failures. He taught me that the greatest among us is always the one who has been humbled by God and is walking in the way of service.

Practice celebration

As we live in the humble state of confession and repentance, the celebration of our friend’s successes will overflow. Just as Jesus’ humility led him directly to the cross and resurrection, so our own humility will lead to dying to self and lifting others up. As we die to ourselves, our energy will be freed up to celebrate others. This might look as simple as writing a card to a friend naming the ways they have succeeded recently and praising God for bringing them into your life. It might look like incorporating your friend’s successes into your praises when you pray. It might even look as extravagant as taking a friend out for dinner in order to celebrate them. Celebration can look a variety of ways, but it usually takes intentionality and practice.

Envy might feel inevitable, but Jesus gives us another path to walk. The humble path of service opens the door to celebration. When celebration is present, envy will have no place to lay its head.