Healing Relationships by Choosing to Grow

As wonderful as social gatherings can be, they can be a stressful reminder that our relationships with family members, friends, or colleagues are not what we would like them to be. We long to have a loving, open connection that brings joy, but unfortunately, personalities, past incidences, insecurities, or jealousies can get in the way and block the kind of relationship we long for. If you have strained relationships, consider spending time in God’s presence, discovering how we can grow spiritually, gain understanding, and develop patience to help us enhance those relationships. Below are a few suggestions to help us all grow spiritually and gain an understanding of how to enrich our relationships.

Grow in relationship with God

The first relationship we need to enhance is our relationship with God. Knowing him intimately and choosing to spend time in his presence is not only foundational to having healthy relationships, but it is also the key to developing understanding. The sad truth is that most Christians don’t spend much time in God’s presence. Studies have shown that the average person spends about 3-4 minutes a day in prayer and Bible reading. One cannot form an intimate relationship in that amount of time. So, we need to make a plan to help grow the amount of time we spend with God. One first step is to begin the day by offering yourself to God and asking the Spirit to empower you with godly characteristics. You can also arm yourself and your family and friends with the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17). You can use times when you are alone in the car, on a walk, or waiting in line to talk to God. These small steps can help you begin to spend more time with God and to begin to grow more like Jesus.

When we make time with God a priority, it helps us better understand who we are. We discover that we are chosen, deeply loved, cherished, and delighted over. We are forgiven, redeemed, and transformed. We have been set free from the strongholds that filled our minds and lives with insecurity, fear, bitterness, and anger. We have worth, significance, and purpose. With that knowledge, it is easier to be compassionate, understanding, and patient with the people around us.

Grow in understanding

Choose to grow in your understanding of our part in the stress of the relationship. When we spend time with God and are assured of who we are in him, it gives us the ability to do something very difficult – to ask the Holy Spirit to bring to our mind an understanding of any past or current actions or attitudes that could be adding to the strain in the relationship. Remember, there are always two sides to every story. It takes great courage and humility (which come through the Holy Spirit’s power) to honestly evaluate our part in the situation. Satan loves to confuse us by assuring us we are the “victim” in the relationship. The truth is, sometimes we unwittingly add to the problem and need to be set free from that stronghold that is causing a problem. So, here are a few questions to ask the Holy Spirit to answer:

• Am I harboring bitterness or anger in my heart because of past situations?
• Is the self-narrative I have been living correct?
• Do I feel threatened or jealous of the other person?

Then, wait in prayer for the Spirit to bring to your mind anything that needs to change.

Grow in grace

Grow in grace to understand the brokenness that causes people to act in hurtful ways. I have found that people who are not always pleasant often are hurting inside in ways they haven’t even realized. When we take time to work at understanding who God is, who we are as well as our role in the relationship, we now have the power and blessing of offering grace to the other person. We focus on understanding what is hurting inside of them that drives them to act as they do in relationships and even offer forgiveness and an offer to work together to improve the relationship. One first step to do this is to ask the Holy Spirit to give you the compassion and mercy of Jesus Christ and help you see the brokenness that is behind the behavior. One way to do that is to ask non-threatening questions or statements such as:

• Tell me what your childhood was like and what you enjoyed most.
• What did you want to be when you were younger and why?
• What gives you the most joy?

Then stop and listen!! Nonthreatening questions like these in the presence of someone who is genuinely listening opens people up and helps you understand them and be more patient.

Grow in the ability to trust God

Choose to grow in the ability to trust God with those who do not wish to change. Let’s be honest: Some people are unable, unwilling, or too wounded to change. If that is the case and the relationship is toxic, we can give ourselves permission to walk away. However, we need to trust them to God’s care and healing and continue to pray for them. Who knows how the Spirit will work in their hearts?