Grieving Your Child’s Miscarriage

A loss impacts everyone around it, though some losses are closer to us than others. Grandparents walking through a miscarriage are seeing their children on the front lines of the pain. All those who love and support the young couple who miscarried feel the pain in various ways. No parent wants to see their kids going through hurt; we would take that pain for ourselves if we could. It is awful to have our children dealing with heartache. How can we cope together?

Naming all the losses

A miscarriage is a death in the family system, and it takes time to process that loss. You may not have known the baby yet, but it doesn’t mean you loved them any less. You envisioned a future together when you learned that a baby was coming into your family. In the wake of a miscarriage, you grieve the pain your child and their spouse are experiencing as well as your loss of a grandchild and the hopes for the future that you had envisioned. Each loss matters, and God cares about each tear that falls.

Don’t blame

People who are grieving carry enough weight without guilt being added to their load. It is not your place to pass judgment or assign blame so keep your opinions to yourself. Remember that people are hard enough on themselves so choose to offer only words that lift up rather than words that hurt. Blaming only adds more pain to those who are already hurting.

Caring for those in the midst

Amid grief, the basic stuff of life can feel overwhelming, so offer your help. Show up and support your kids in tangible ways that are helpful to them. Dropping off meals, doing their laundry, or offering child care can be a valuable support in an overwhelming season. Don’t be offended if what is needed more is time and space alone to grieve. Care in what ways you can while allowing your kids to grieve in whatever way works for them.

Allowing space

Sometimes, what is needed is just space—to process, to grieve, to sort through the next steps. As much as grandparents may want to grieve with their kids, it may not be what their kids want or need. Be willing to let your kids draw close to each other and process their emotions without inserting yourself into their situation. Be respectful of whatever boundaries are asked of you. If they don’t want visitors, consider just sending your support through a card, chocolate, or any gift that would speak comfort to grieving hearts.

Protecting privacy

Sharing basic information may be helpful for calming the anxiety in the family system and enlisting your prayer team, but not everyone may be ready to share the news. Let those closest to the situation determine what they want to share and with whom. Respect the privacy of those closest by only sharing what they are comfortable having shared and being mindful of with whom they want that information shared. This can leave you isolated without someone to share what you are going through, but holding their trust matters. If you need to talk, let it be with your counselor who is legally obligated to privacy protection.

Listening

When you are grieving, the weight you carry is substantial, and talking about it can help you find peace. Being a listening ear to those who are hurting is a significant way for us to bear one another’s burdens to fulfill God’s law (Gal 6:2). Listening with empathy is more helpful than offering advice, so don’t worry about not having the answers. Just make yourself available to hear how your kids are processing everything.

Continue to check-in

Check-in with your kids without being invasive. Their fertility and family planning are their business so let those questions rest. Don’t offer platitudes or false reassurance as they only cause more pain and you don’t know God’s plan for their future. Choose to check-in to see what help they need and how they are doing processing their grief. Use the time to listen well and tune into what support they would find helpful.

Prayer

Prayer is a valuable place to put our energy. As we cry to God out in prayer, our voice is heard and acknowledged by the only one with any control of the situation. We can lay all of our burdens down at God’s feet and even complain like the psalmists about what feels unjust. In prayer, we can draw near to God and find comfort. Prayer is the most powerful way we can support our kids even from afar. Prayer helps us to align our hearts with God’s and find peace as we lay our burdens at God’s feet and trust God with the future.