Four Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged

After the worship service and fellowship hour, we found a spot in the nearby park to sit, where I told Annie that I wanted to marry her. It wasn’t a proposal, but it was an invitation to begin thinking together about the possibility of marriage. I was ready to think about the next steps in our relationship and I wondered if Annie was too. Thankfully, she was. However, I didn’t realize at that moment that talking about our shared future would require a courageous spirit of vulnerability. We not only would have to risk sharing how much we loved each other, but also what our expectations were in regard to children, finances, sex, and faith.

If you’re feeling ready to commit to your significant other, then consider having these four important conversations.

Let’s talk about faith

The foundation of a Christian marriage is Christ. Your marriage will have many ups and downs, but “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Heb. 13:8). He binds you and your future spouse more profoundly than any vows ever could. You are both co-heirs with Christ to his eternal kingdom. You are both elected by God and have received every spiritual blessing in the Heavenly places (Eph 1:3). If the fundamental ways you understand the world aren't aligned, you will forever be pulling in different directions. The most important conversation you can have as you plan for marriage is about your faith in Jesus and why it’s vital Christ is central to your relationship.

Jesus modeled the example of how to love others. Jesus was never married, but he displayed the kind of attitudes and behaviors that help relationships to grow together. In his letter to the Philippians, Paul writes that Jesus' life on Earth began with humility, “And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:8). The humiliation of Jesus Christ is not only the path of discipleship, but it is also the path of Christian marriage. If both you and your future spouse can humbly follow Jesus, dying to the self, and taking up your cross daily above all else, then your marriage will have a sure foundation.

Let’s talk about kids

Of course, faithfully following the path of the cross, does not guarantee you won’t have relational difficulties. Many challenges in relationships come from miscommunicated or just not communicated expectations. One of those expectations has to do with children. Now, I’m not suggesting that you bring up how many children you want on your first date, but it is a necessary conversation as you prepare for marriage.

The Psalmist says that children are a blessing from the Lord (Psalm 127:3), but those little blessings require a lot of energy, childcare, and prayer. Are you two on the same page about kids? Is having kids something you both want? When do you want to have children? Are you expecting one spouse to stay home from work for several years to take care of them? Why or why not? Do you want to wait a certain number of years after getting married before you want to start trying for a child? Do you envision having one or several children? How would you feel if you couldn’t have kids of your own or your spouse didn’t want children? These practical questions can get you thinking about your own desires for your family and also prompt your significant other to consider what they desire.

Let’s talk about money

If you have been managing your own finances for any length of time, it will feel strange and possibly uncomfortable to talk about your money with someone else. That’s completely normal. Money is a taboo subject for many people. Yet, being in a serious relationship invites you out of your comfort zone and into a humble life of vulnerability. So, where do you begin?

Start with sharing about your debt vs. income. Young people today are coming out of college with upwards of hundreds of thousands of dollars of student loans. It’s not uncommon to have credit card debt as well. Yet, don’t stop at debt, also talk about your current earnings and future expected earnings. Again, this will be uncomfortable for many, but it’s better to have this conversation before you tie the knot, than five years down the road. I wouldn’t tell a couple to not marry because of debt, but it’s only fair for both of you to know the kind of financial situation you are stepping into and to be able to come up with a viable financial plan for your future.

Let's talk about sex

Another area that couples struggle to have open and honest conversations about is their sex life. What is more vulnerable than sex? Especially, if you are saving sex for marriage, then there might be a lot of unrealistic expectations about what your sex life will be like. This is where premarital counseling comes in. This might be provided by the pastor who is officiating your wedding, but it could also be with a trained therapist or counselor as well. If you haven’t had many conversations about sex, then it can be helpful to have a third party involved to keep the conversation safe and appropriate. One area that is important for you to reflect on as an individual and as a couple is your own sexual history. Have you had sex before? Are you a victim of sexual abuse? How has pornography played a role in your life? These are tough questions, but with the help of a counselor or pastor, you can have healthy and vulnerable conversations with your future spouse about them.

Marriage is a wonderful goal to aspire to for any couple who is ready to commit to each other. Just like any major life milestone, marriage requires thoughtful reflection and conversation. It needs a sure foundation in Christ and honest communication about vulnerable topics. Yet, by doing this difficult work, you can begin your marriage on a sure footing.