Forgiving Our Parent's Failures

Whenever we seek medical advice about a pain we are experiencing, doctors ask us to rate our pain on a scale of 1 to 10. Or they may notice a physical scar and ask how we got it. Although some pain and scars are neither measurable nor visible, wounds received in childhood may still cause us significant pain. These scars may be deep within the heart, unseen by others. When the pain has been caused by what we see as failures in our parents, any efforts or desires to forgive can seem insurmountable. We may wonder how we can ever forgive our parents’ shortcomings. What will that forgiveness look like, or how can we be emotionally restored from the wounds in our hearts?

Forgiving with a memory

Forgiveness is defined as making releasing someone else from the anger or bitterness you hold against them for an offense. It's a release of your right to vindication. Forgiveness also releases us from the weight of anger and allows God to be in charge of enacting justice. Our greatest example of forgiveness is God releasing us from the death penalty for our sin when he allowed Jesus Christ to take the payment for us. For a human example of forgiveness, we can look at Joseph in the Old Testament. Following the death of their father, Joseph’s brothers thought Joseph would hold a grudge against them because they had sold him into slavery. He had suffered many years of unfair incarceration before the Lord divinely released him and made him second in command to Pharaoh. The brothers asked Joseph for forgiveness as their father had directed. 

“Joseph said to them, ‘Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives’” (Genesis 50:19-20). 

Joseph did not forget what had happened to him; although he struggled with his feelings, he still forgave his brothers.

Forgiving without forgetting

While God is merciful towards us in our failings and remembers our sins no more (Hebrews 8:12), humans are not able to forgive and forget. Our memories are marked by the pain we have experienced. A parent who has never acknowledged or apologized for wrongdoing makes it difficult for an adult son or daughter to let go of the pain and get on with life. Our reluctance to forgive could stem from the feeling that the offender will be let off the hook and the person offended is being asked to pretend that nothing ever happened. What if we considered instead that forgiving does not mean forgetting? Forgiving could mean remembering without the pain. That would mean choosing to release the pain the wound originally caused even as we acknowledge the hurt it caused. One possible way would be for a person to determine what they need from the offender to feel vindicated. That is, what does the other person need to say or do to alleviate the pain or damage that was caused? But sometimes, there is no repentance, and boundaries are necessary. We can still forgive to free ourselves from the weight of anger.

Clarifying our expectations

One of my relatives is struggling with anger toward her mother for a life-altering childhood injury that caused her to lose sight in one eye. The daughter resents that her mother has never adequately explained why there was no immediate medical attention after she was hit in the eye with a belt buckle during a spanking. The mother never revealed which babysitting relative was responsible for the accident. Unfortunately, the mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when the daughter was in her sixties. Therefore, it is not likely that the truth will ever be known. Although the daughter knew what she needed from her mother, she also had to determine how to heal if she never got the truth, and how to forgive her mother for not revealing it.

Another divine example of forgiveness comes from Christ as he was being crucified. “Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing’” (Luke 23:24). Jesus’ captors knew they were committing murder, but they did not know the significance of placing their hands on the Son of God. “None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory” (I Corinthians 2:8).

Sometimes, others don’t understand the extent of the pain they have caused us. Whether it was done knowingly or not, we may not always get a parent to understand the depth of pain we have suffered from what we see as their failure to parent adequately. What if a parent cannot or will not open their hearts for the healing that needs to be done in a strained relationship with their adult son or daughter? That is, once we know what we need from those who have hurt us, how do we heal if we never get it? We turn to God, who is our ultimate source for healing. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” We cry out to God and ask him to heal the pains and wounds we suffer. We rely on him to restore our souls, comfort us, and care for us, according to Psalm 23. As God begins to heal us, we learn to let go of our anger and resentment.

Releasing the debt

A code of honor is deeply embedded during military training. History has shown that not all commanding officers are honorable people. Yet the code of honor is so entrenched that a soldier learns to honor and respect the position when he cannot honor the person holding the position. When our parents have failed to gain our respect because of their failures or faults, we can still honor the position they hold. Deuteronomy 5:16 tells us to “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” Forgiving our parents means releasing them from the debt of apology or restitution we feel they owe us. As we ask God to heal us and help us let go of the anger and pain, we find that we are released from the debt as well. In forgiving others, we free ourselves to be forgiven, as the Lord’s Prayer reminds us.

Joseph acknowledged that he couldn’t play God and decide who should be forgiven. He also recognized how God took his misfortune and used it to bless others. We, too, can be assured that God knows our pain and can help us offer forgiveness to others and free ourselves from the anger we may carry. The memories will remain, but like an old scar, we can touch it and no longer feel the pain.