Five Lessons Learned From My Single Friend

As I stood next to Neil on a bridge overlooking the River Thames, Big Ben, and the Eye of London, he thanked me for visiting him. The sky was unusually blue as the sun was setting and he told me that I was the first person to visit him in the U.K. outside of his family. It meant a lot to him that I took a ten-hour flight across the Atlantic to see him. Not only that, it meant even more to him that I chose to use my vacation time to visit even when I had a wife and kids at home.

What stuck with me from this conversation was how rare it is for married people to intentionally spend time with their single friends. The more I’ve thought about my trip to visit Neil, the more I’ve reflected on my responsibility to be a good friend to married and single people in my life. Here are five lessons I’ve learned.

Friendships begin in God

The theological basis for friendship is found in who God is as Trinity. Since before the world began, God has existed within the relationships of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. He has never been alone and never will be alone. His creation is an overflowing image of his divine friendship. David Benner, the Christian psychologist and author, put it this way, “If God did not experience eternal friendship within the Trinity, we would never have known the possibility of this gift of soul intimacy. Remarkably, it is this friendship that God invites us to join. This friendship forms the prototype for all human friendships.” God’s friendship within himself is why it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone in the Garden. If Adam was made in the image of God, then he needed to be in community with persons like him as God is Trinity. Therefore, Eve was created and they were empowered to be fruitful and multiply. All human friendships point beyond themselves to the Creator.

Friendships take practice

Oftentimes, the church holds marriage up as the pinnacle of all human relationships. As if those who don’t marry are somehow less than those who do. Of course, there is something unique about the marriage relationship, but just being married doesn’t make you an expert on cultivating friendships. In fact, marriage can become a convenient excuse to not maintain and practice friendship with others. Picture here the husband who sits in his lazy boy every night watching TV. Married people may take for granted that they have a spouse at home to spend time with, while single people often come home to an empty house. 

I’ve found that many single people are skilled at developing new friendships and cultivating a depth to them that married people may miss out on because they don’t feel it’s necessary. For example, as I traveled with my friend, Neil, I was continually amazed at his ability to connect with strangers. He seemed to be well practiced in striking up conversations with people in a tour group or in line waiting for the train. He also shared many stories with me about his friends across the world and how he keeps up with them. I realized that his vulnerability and willingness to connect with others was a strength of his from which I have much to learn. C. S. Lewis wrote about this kind of vulnerability, saying 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.”

Marriage might even shield us from the vulnerability of other friendships if we are not careful, but the path to deeper friendships is an invitation to vulnerable communion.

Friendships are an antidote for loneliness

Married and single people alike experience loneliness. Loneliness comes as a result of lacking meaningful and lasting connection with other people. Therefore, if one is lacking in close friends to share life with, then loneliness is a likely result. Mother Teresa is famous for saying, 

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

After Mother Teresa’s death, it came out that although she was a selfless person of faith, she felt a terrible loneliness throughout her ministry. However, loneliness is not inevitable. Humanity is not destined for eternal loneliness. Instead, as mentioned above, we are made in God’s image, which means we are made for connection with others. God has wired us for friendships not loneliness. As Jesus himself said, “Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent” (John 17:3). Eternity with God is all about knowing and being known. So, deep and lasting friendships are worth investing our lives in.

Friendships require belonging

A hallmark of true friendship is being missed. A true friend will notice when you’re not at church or haven’t been around lately because of their love for you. They don’t just want you in the same room as them, they want to spend time doing life with you. As John Swinton, professor of practical theology at the University of Aberdeen, writes, “To belong, you have to be missed. Inclusion only needs you to be in the room.” If you’re married, do you actively miss your friends who are single? Do you express that feeling to them by reaching out for a phone call or inviting them over or going to visit them?

Friendships need intentionality

True friendship is often as simple as remembering, showing up, and following up with people you love. My friendship with Neil has grown significantly over the fifteen years we’ve known each other because we’ve both committed to staying in touch through email, texts, letters, and calls. However, our recent trip together made us both realize we need more in-person time together as well. So, we’ve put it on the calendar and have another visit planned. This commitment to one another reminds me to be all the more committed to my wife, kids, and other friends. It’s a sweet foretaste of God’s commitment to me and to this world.