Discussing Your Beliefs in a Dating Relationship

Years ago, I attended a stranger’s wedding. I didn’t know the groom or the bride. My wife had been hired to play her violin for the ceremony, and she invited me to attend with her. I was happy to support my wife in her work and have the opportunity to enjoy a serene day in the Wisconsin countryside. The sun was shining, the skies were blue, and every detail of this outdoor ceremony came together swimmingly. Yet, something about the officiant’s sermon struck me as out of place.

As the bride and groom’s eyes were lost in one another’s, the pastor finished reading from the Bible and began telling stories about the couple. He had served as their pre-marital counselor and ought to have known the couple quite well, but his sermon suggested otherwise. He talked endlessly about the groom’s favorite hobby: fishing. Apparently, one of the key things this groom connected with his new bride was around fishing. So, the pastor emphasized time and again the beauty that this man and woman would be “fishing buddies for life.”

Although it’s been years since that wedding, my wife and I still quote the pastor in jest, “fishing buddies for life.” We joke because we know how difficult marriage is. It takes far more than a common hobby to keep a marriage healthy. Hobbies are thin and they change over time depending on one’s interests, physical abilities, and age. A shared hobby will not be enough to hold you together when your spouse loses a job, you experience a miscarriage, or your marriage has just gotten stale.

Your relationship needs shared beliefs that provide a strong foundation that can withstand even the toughest times. Get to know what’s most important to each other

When you are in a new relationship, you naturally spend time asking questions about each other’s background. You want to know where they grew up, what their childhood was like, where they went to college, and what they do for a living. It’s normal to be curious. The goal is to get to know who they are. As a Christian, the identity that comes first is your baptismal identity. You have said, “yes,” to God’s promises and chosen to follow Jesus to the cross. You have died and been raised with Christ. You are a new creation in Christ. Therefore, if Jesus really is the Lord of your life, then it will be of great concern to you whether or not a potential spouse shares with you in Christ.

Christ is the foundation

In Christ Jesus, we meet the cornerstone of our faith. He is powerful enough to calm a storm with just a word. He is good enough to lay down his life not only for his friends but also for his enemies. His love is unconditional. Our hang-ups, suffering, and sin are no match for God’s love for us in Jesus Christ. Therefore, Jesus is the ultimate foundation for our relationships. He is the One who will be our rock when our relationships encounter the storms of life.

Worship together

After you have established that your foundation for life is Jesus Christ, then begin to ask one another how you practice your faith. It can be as simple as taking turns attending each other's churches to learn more about the kind of church culture you come from. I remember attending my wife’s childhood church for the first time. It was eye-opening to see the differences in the way our churches operated, but it also gave me an appreciation for how she was formed in her earlier years in the faith. Just because we both were Christians didn’t mean we were exactly the same. We brought whole worlds of experiences with us that affected our outlook on the world.

Pray together

Another practice that not only helps you get to know each other better, but it also helps you grow together is prayer. Even if it just starts with praying before a meal you share together, prayer keeps you both attuned to your sure foundation in Christ. Prayer can take many different forms, so don’t limit yourself to just before meals, but commit to praying for and with one another. As Paul writes to his church in 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18, “pray continually… for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Through prayer, we participate in the Spirit’s work of crying out to our Father in Heaven, “Abba, Father,” and Jesus’ continual mediation between us and the Father.

Read together

As you worship and pray together, you’ll also want to read the Scriptures together. As you study the Bible together, many important topics will arise for you to discuss. This will give you further opportunity to discern whether or not God has called you to be married. One issue that came up for my wife and me was our views on baptism. I had been raised in a church that practiced believer’s baptism, while she was raised with infant baptism. We spent a lot of time discussing the differences, reading books on the topic, and studying the Bible about it. Eventually, we decided to practice infant baptism with our own children, but what was helpful throughout this process was practicing how we could navigate a difficult issue with grace and love. After eleven years of marriage, we’ve had countless discussions about a whole variety of topics, but throughout it, even when we find ourselves on different sides of an issue, we’ve continued to look to Jesus as our solid foundation that can handle our toughest questions.

Starting a relationship is never easy, but when you see it as an opportunity to get to know one of God’s children in a deep and lasting way, it changes the dynamic. This can only happen if Jesus is your foundation. He is the One you can turn to when the many other things that bind you together as a couple are not enough. So, to those “fishing buddies for life,” I say, keep on fishing, but don’t forget that Jesus is the true fisherman that we must find a friend in. He’s the One that will bind you together and teach you the way to love each other.