Defusing sibling rivalry

The brothers were always arguing about something. With only a year and a half between them, they were always together and endlessly bickering, and it was exhausting for their parents. The boys could not share any toy, and every interaction between them became a competition. Their parents were at a loss how to stop their fighting. They questioned when they should intervene and when to allow the kids to resolve their own conflicts. They struggled with how to bring peace to the house when every interaction seemed to escalate things. The best place to start is with what is actually within your control.

Check yourself

Our example is a model for our children. When our children’s fighting gets on our last nerve, how will we respond? Will we yell and lose our cool? Will we grab the toy they are fighting over? What tone will we take as we respond to the instigators in front of us? Our response to frustration is the template our children have to follow. What example are our kids taking away from how we as parents navigate our irritations? Can we take a deep breath and respond calmly?

Establish guidelines

Our children need to know what behavior is expected of them. It is important that they know what the rules are. Set the standard and spell it out. Place the guidelines on the fridge and have your children recite them if they need a reminder. Spell out the behaviors you want to see: “In our home, we treat one another with respect, use kind words, and share our belongings. We use our words to ask for what we need, and we treat one another with love. We don't call names and we never hit.” If you haven’t yet made expectations clear in your home, sit down as a family and draft your rules together. When your kids bump into conflict, you can go back to the rules and reconsider the choices they made in the heat of the moment.

Problem solve together

Kids are still learning problem-solving and you can help them gain maturity. If you leave children to work conflict out by themselves it is generally resolved by the bigger child getting their way. So you get resolution and quiet, but not always justice. As you intervene in your kid’s conflict, explore together what each person wants in the situation. Mom wants kids to be friends and play together with kindness, both kids want to play with the same toy. Ask the kids what solutions they could come up with to help everyone get what they want. Could we use our words to ask for what we want? Could we use a timer to take turns? Should we choose to play with something else so we can cooperate together? Let your kids get creative and think of how to get a better outcome for everyone.

Teach emotional regulation

Kids need ideas for how to handle their big emotions. If you enter their conflict in a calm manner you are modeling for them how to manage emotions with composure. A good first step is to name their emotions. Then you can guide your kids to take some deep breaths to help them regain their composure. Perhaps a creative outlet like writing or drawing can help kids express themselves without yelling or using fists. Try other calming techniques like counting to ten or stepping away and listening to music. Learning to use their words to express their emotions is a valuable tool for kids. Guiding children to share their concerns with caring grownups can build trust. Spending a few moments on the time-out bench can guide our kids to take a pause and collect themselves. When children can learn self-calming techniques they will feel more confident in managing challenging situations. As parents we need to use these self-calming techniques as well to help us navigate difficulties.

Cultivate empathy

Empathy is another important skill for all of us to cultivate. We can hold empathy for our kids as we remember that they are not trying to ruin our day, but are struggling to communicate their feelings and desires using underdeveloped problem-solving skills. Kids are still learning social skills and need to be reminded of the feelings and needs of others. Help them to think through how their sibling is feeling and what they might be needing. We can guide our children by asking, “How do you think your brother felt when you took the toy?” We can ask, “Do you think your sister liked hearing the words you said?” Our children will grow in empathy as they put themselves into the shoes of others to see the world from other points of view.

Follow through with consequences

Our rules are meaningless if we don’t commit to following them ourselves and enforcing them. If you say no to your child, you need to follow through if they don’t listen. Your words will not mean much if you don’t. If you say you are going to take away any toy they fight over, you need to stick to your word. Our children need to learn that actions have consequences. If you don’t step in to correct bad behavior you are sending a message that you are okay with that behavior under your roof. Consequences are great teachers and learning to be responsible for our actions are valuable life lessons.

Affirm the positives

It is too easy to become critical of all the things your kids are doing wrong and forget to affirm all the good things that they are doing well. Words of affirmation help our children feel loved and encouraged. We all value the approval of our parents, and catching our kids doing good stuff feeds their desire for affirmation. Remind them of their past successes to give them confidence that they can make wise choices and resolve problems.

Live the example

Your children are watching how you interact with others. Be careful about how you handle conflict. Choose to lovingly disagree with your spouse without escalating or losing your cool. Let your children see you deal fairly with those who think and act differently than you. Consider how you speak about people behind their backs. Our children see all of our behavior up close so choose to live into the example that you want them to follow.

Jesus preached, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9). We can become peacemakers within our own homes as we model a loving example and guide our children to follow our example. We can look upon one another with empathy and find ways to care well for each other. As we look to Jesus he will give us wisdom and strength and guide us to live with his sacrificial love.