Talking to Teens About Sex and Dating

As a parent, I had no idea how difficult it would be to talk to my kids about sex, sexuality, and sexual ethics. A member of Gen X, I benefited from my Boomer parents’ openness about sex. My mother in particular seemed especially comfortable with the topic and I arrived at adulthood with a pretty solid understanding of what sex was, the importance of sexual intimacy in marriage, and my responsibilities as a single person and later as a husband. I was actually kind of eager to share with my children about the wonderful gift of sexual intimacy that God had given to his children, a gift that could bring them closeness and joy in the safe bond of marriage. Frustrated that most Christian resources led with an “avoid sexual sin” emphasis, my wife and I determined that we would approach the topic of sex from a positive perspective, emphasizing God’s good design and intention for our sexual intimacy. From that basis, we would then discuss God’s loving safeguards for us as sexual beings.

Well, it didn’t really go that way. One thing I did not expect was that my children would not want to discuss sex with their parents, no matter how positive and affirming our emphasis. Their reluctance and embarrassment always turned these conversations into awkward parent monologues, with them seeking any excuse whatsoever to change the subject. As they grew up, I had to accept another lesson: I can teach them what is good and bad, but I cannot control what they do with that information. In the process, I had to take a frank look at what I did with what my parents taught me. I had to confess to largely disregarding what they told me about being a sexually responsible single person…and the consequences of my disregard. Sexual intercourse is the powerful physical, emotional, and spiritual union between two people. It is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God, but outside the boundaries God gave us for its safe enjoyment, we can suffer great trauma.

We want our children to receive God’s gift and understand the responsibility that comes with it.

In our culture that idolizes sex, how can we guide our children to a healthy perspective on God’s gift of sexuality? The articles listed below explore some common and very frank concerns that parents have when teaching their children about honoring God with their sexuality.

God’s good design for sex

Biblical Guidelines for Sexually Healthy Relationships, by Rev. Deb Koster -- God’s plan for sex is designed for our benefit, to maximize full intimacy and protect us from harm. God designed sex to be enjoyable, but he also placed limits on sexual behavior. So what do Scriptures have to say about healthy sexuality?

Human Sexuality and The Biblical Story, by Rev. Mark Pluimer -- The story of our sexuality begins in creation. We were made by God as sexual beings. Discover wisdom from the Biblical story to reclaim the original beauty God designed for intimacy.

How Sex Changes Relationships, by Rev. Rob Toornstra -- Sometimes we act as though sex involves little more than our anatomy. The truth is that God designed sex to be a transformative experience, and when we recognize the power that sex has to change us, we will more fully enjoy the gift of sex that God has given to us.

Sexuality in singleness and dating

Celebrating Singleness: Dating is Not a Goal, by Rev. Deb Koster -- There is nothing wrong with seeking someone with whom we can share our lives. Yet desiring to be in a relationship becomes problematic if it becomes the focus of life.

How physical should a dating relationship be? by Rev. Deb Koster -- Scripture is clear that becoming one flesh is the same as being married. Sex outside of marriage is harmful to us because sexual intimacy was designed to permanently connect us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How Far is Too Far? By Rev. Rob Toornstra -- In our dating relationships, we’ve probably wondered about physical limits. Where does God want us to draw the line? God teaches us how to set boundaries so that we honor him in our dating relationships.

Is “Living Together” Good Preparation for Marriage? by Rev. Joel Vande Werken -- On one hand, we should recognize that “living together” represents, for many couples, a step towards deeper commitment. But the intention to be committed isn’t the same thing as actually being committed, and herein lies the problem with living together before marriage.

Dealing with porn and masturbation

4 Lies Porn Told Me, and the Truth that Set Me Free, by Christopher Hunt -- Pornography tells us lies that skew our view of God and our sexuality. This discussion outlines four subtle lies that pornography tells in blunt terms.

4 More Lies Pornography Told Me, by Christopher Hunt -- Our culture is very conflicted about pornography and its impact. But one thing is certain, porn lies. It does not glorify God or his creation; it exploits and objectifies what God created to be beautiful and good.

Steps for Overcoming Pornography Use, by Rev. Rob Toornstra -- It is estimated that 40 million adults regularly view porn, and these numbers increase dramatically when we include those who say that they watch porn occasionally. Quitting the habit at times feels impossible. Scripture assures us that God’s Spirit dwells in us, empowering us to live in freedom from the power of sin.

A Biblical Approach to Masturbation, by Rev. Rob Toornstra -- Most of us have some experience with masturbation. You may be a single person who uses masturbation as a way to experience sexual release or a married person who feels guilty for hiding your habit from your spouse. Does masturbation have a place in the life of Jesus’ followers?