Overcoming Obstacles to a Healthy Love Life

My wife and I were hiking a few weeks ago when, from a distance, we spotted a red fox scooting across an open field. Foxes are common in our part of the country, and they have even adapted to live in suburban areas. Although it was exciting to spot this fox on our hike, foxes are usually considered pests when they are found in neighborhoods; but they can become an even bigger pest when they are found in our bedrooms.

In Song of Songs 2:15-17, the young bride pleads with her groom to come away with her so that they might enjoy an intimate encounter – but then she makes an unusual request: “Catch the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyard, for our vineyards are in blossom.”

Then, as now, foxes could do a lot of damage to a vineyard just as the fruit was coming into bloom, and so farmers had to be careful to catch these foxes before they could do significant damage. In Song of Songs, the imagery of a vineyard or a garden is a metaphor for the sacred ground of sexual intimacy, the exclusive space where husband and wife get to enjoy one another as Adam and Eve did in Eden. But, just as foxes threatened literal vineyards, so there are also many things that can derail marital intimacy – and if ignored, these foxes can do damage to a healthy marriage.

Identify the challenges 

Sometimes, the foxes that run around our vineyard of marital intimacy are things outside of ourselves. They’re usually not interpersonal conflicts or relationship problems, but they are part of the world in which we inhabit, and they distract us from being in the moment. No sooner do you close your bedroom door, and your 6-month-old begins to cry, disrupting the mood. Stress, busyness, or overwork makes sex feel like just another item on your to-do list. Worries like car repairs, money problems, or job uncertainty have a way of constantly nagging at the back of our minds, hampering the connection with our spouse.

But sometimes the foxes that hunt in our vineyard are internal, they are parts of our body or soul that spoil the vineyard just as the fruit is coming into bloom. Sometimes we are aware that these foxes are on the loose, other times, we are not.

For example, those steeped in the teachings of purity culture, which often emphasized the dangers of premarital sex, may be left with deep feelings of shame or guilt over past sexual sins, or even over sex itself. Sex becomes viewed as something dirty, or shameful, and so trying to enjoy it even in a proper context becomes difficult.

Sexual abuse is an especially sinister fox. Though you did nothing wrong, something terrible was done to you, and it has wounded your soul, so every time you desire sexual intimacy, it brings back memories of sexual trauma. And sometimes, physical limitations like chronic illness, or physical conditions prowl in your vineyard.

The first step in catching the foxes is being able to identify them and describe how and why they are running loose in the vineyard. But once you know what they are, what can be done about them?

Clearing out obstacles

Sometimes, these foxes are relatively straightforward to catch and release. Simple and practical solutions like hiring a babysitter so that you and your spouse can connect, while the babysitter puts the kids to bed before you get home, or turning on a YouTube video to entertain the kids for a half hour is all it takes. Some couples choose to schedule time for sex during the week, as a way to mentally prepare for a time of intimacy. 

Listing those minor things – like dishes in the sink or an unfinished to-do list – that will make focusing on your spouse difficult will help you and your spouse know what you need to take care of before you turn your attention to one another. Dishes in the sink? Take five minutes to load the dishwasher. One more email that you forgot to send? Taking 30 minutes to get that done will pay off. Or, if there are stressors or concerns that are weighing on you, and distracting you from sex, it might help to see this as an opportunity to connect on an emotional level first. Sharing what’s going on internally –whether about a boss who is overworking you, a concern you have for your kids, or worries about your parent’s health – can help you listen, and care for one another, so that sex becomes a way to further the connection you are building with one another.

Invest in healing

Sometimes the foxes that threaten our vineyard require us to go deeper. It might even be helpful to think of these foxes as God-given opportunities for personal and relational growth. And while growth is often difficult (and thus we avoid it), it can be life-changing. If past trauma is threatening your marital intimacy, working with a therapist can help you move towards a place of healing so that you can embrace the intimacy that God designed you for. Or, if sex is difficult for you because there is tension in the relationship, then working with a pastor or a counselor can help you become unstuck, and, in the process, can strengthen your relationship with one another. Sometimes, a conversation with your personal physician can help you move past physical challenges. Commit your relationship to prayer seeking God’s guidance for how to care well for you and your spouse.

What foxes might you have ambling through your vineyard? In the outdoors, foxes are an exciting sight to see, but in the marital relationship, they can be disruptive. Learning what foxes may be interfering with you and your spouse enjoying the intimacy that God wants can be an opportunity that allows for great growth and connection in your marriage!