Love Your Child with the Word "No”

My daughter is a natural negotiator. Instead of accepting an answer at face value, she’ll immediately respond with a counteroffer. A few months ago, she got into a habit each morning at 6am of climbing out of her white loft bed, creeping down the hallway with walls covered with her artwork, and sliding into our bedroom to ask me, “Can I watch TV?” At first, I’d say “no,” but then the negotiation would start. Before long, my need for sleep was greater than my ability to hold my own in the negotiations. As the days wore into weeks, my daughter began getting up earlier and earlier. I began to worry about her skipping sleep to watch TV and I knew, I needed to learn to say, “No.”

Saying “No” to your children can be a real challenge for parents. We want the best for our children and we can often get stuck in that old rut that associates “Yes” with love. We can often think that saying, “No,” is being too strict. Yet, as I know from my experience with my daughter, always saying “Yes” leads to all kinds of difficulties down the road.

Echoing God’s loving “No”

God loves to see his creatures flourish. God provided for everything Adam and Eve needed in the Garden. They had food to eat, a safe place to live, and good work to do. So, when God told them, “You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die,” they knew that he was protecting them. His “No” was the sound of love. It wasn’t until they were deceived by the serpent that they began to hear God’s “No” as out of tune with their needs.

Likewise, as parents, we say “No” to our children because we want them to flourish. I’ve read about the negative consequences too much screen time can have on a child’s developing brain. When I say “No” to more TV time, I’m thinking about my daughter’s health and well-being. When she compares her amount of screen time to that of her friends, she might think I’m just spoiling her fun, but as a parent, it is my job to help my child learn to regulate her use of technology.

Saying “No” begins with us

If you can’t say “No” to your child, then you probably can’t say “No” to yourself either. If a third grader can convince you to change your mind and say “yes,” then it’s more than likely that you can convince yourself of the same thing. After talking with hundreds of couples about their finances, the money expert Ramit Sethi says, “People in credit card debt almost always have trouble saying 'No' to their children.” No matter how many budgets they set, they can’t say “No” to themselves. If you want to help your child thrive, then you’ll have to begin with yourself. As Jesus taught, the path of discipleship is one of self-denial.

Begin with confession and accountability

Identify one of your own habits that you can’t say “No” to. Confess this to God and acknowledge the ways this habit has power over you. Then reach out to a spouse or friend and share this pattern of saying “Yes” to something you don’t want to anymore. When you can clearly say “No” to yourself and understand why you’re saying “No,” then you’ll be better equipped to say “No” to your kids.

Communicate clearly

Another step you can take towards loving your child with the word “No” is talking about why you are saying “No.” I’ve found that explaining why I’m putting new boundaries in place with my daughter helps her to better understand what’s going on. Instead of her thinking I take joy in ruining her fun, she knows I have her best interest at heart. Of course, clear communication doesn’t guarantee a positive response from your child, but it will help you know that you’re doing what you can to take good care of your child’s needs.

Find new ways to say “Yes”

As you learn to say “No,” you can begin identifying what you want to say “Yes” to. Over time, my daughter accepted less TV time and began to use that time for more creative activities. One night after we scraped plates and swept the floor, she asked me to finger paint with her. With joy, I said “Yes!” This activity was worth setting everything aside for because it not only brought us both joy getting messy with paint, but it also connected us with one another. Eventually, my wife sat down and also joined in the fun! Saying “No” to the activities that you don’t want your child doing can open relationship-building opportunities to say “Yes!”