How Can Families Support Anxious Children?

When our children struggle with anxiety, we may not be able to take away their struggle, but we can find ways to help support them better through it. I have noticed as a parent how difficult it is to watch my children go through something I can’t fix. As parents, protecting our children is in the very fiber of our being, so when we have to watch them struggle through something for which there is no direct solution, it feels so hard to do. Still, we aren’t powerless, through God's strength and guidance we can help them find ways to face their fear and anxiety in a way that will only continue to make them stronger and build within them a greater dependence on God.

Create a safe space

One of the most important ways in helping to support our children when they are struggling with anxiety is to provide them with a safe place to talk through the struggles that they are facing. We can provide them with a safe space by taking the time to listen to their concerns, provide them with love and support, and reassure them they are not alone. When we provide our children with a safe place where they know they will be heard and cared for they will be more willing to come to us for guidance in the struggles they face. 

One of the names that is used to describe the messiah in Isaiah 9:6 is the name “wonderful counselor.” Jesus is our ultimate example of how to provide counsel to our children, and the importance of counsel is so great that it is even given to Jesus as a name.

Recognizing distorted thinking

One of the foundational aspects of fighting through anxiety is fighting through cognitive distortions that are created in the mind. Anxiety will lie and create a fear of things that aren’t to be feared. When anxiety is present our bodies can go into a “fight or flight” response, which can present itself with mind-clouding symptoms such as a racing heart, or shortness of breath. The “fight or flight” response is appropriate when action is needed in a dangerous situation, such as running into a bear, but not so helpful in a situation without any real danger, such as trying to make a phone call or having a conversation with a teacher at school (Understanding the stress response - Harvard Health). So how do we help our kids fight through the distortions of fear that their bodies are telling them to have when they are experiencing anxiety? We help them fight back by encouraging them to challenge the thoughts they are confronted with.

Question the anxious thoughts

One way we can help our children fight back against the lies anxiety tells them is to ask our children to present evidence for their thinking. For example, let's say our child tells us that they are feeling anxious because a friend didn’t sit by them today at school and they are worried they are mad at them. We can ask them if there is any evidence to support the idea that their friend is mad at them? Did your child do something that might have upset their friend, or had there not been any current conflict between them? 

We can also ask them to consider other possibilities that could explain the situation, such as maybe their friend just wanted to catch up with another friend that hadn’t talked to in a while? Working with our children to help walk them through how to look for evidence in their thinking and consider other possibilities will help them be able to do this on their own when we are not around walking them through it. The Bible reassures us that we are not alone in our search for wisdom in our thinking, and God gives wisdom to those who seek it,

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you” (James 1:5).

All we have to do is ask for God’s help in providing the wisdom to discern the right thinking and God will help us find it.

Help them fight back with prayer

Prayer helps us seek wisdom in guiding our children through their struggles with anxiety, and is also our first line of defense in teaching them how to battle anxiety for themselves. There is something so powerful in approaching the God of the universe with our needs, and knowing that God is glad to partner with us in them. The Bible commands us out of love to come to God with our anxiety, 

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

I was reminded of the importance of prayer when my daughter was recently experiencing anxiety about going to school. When I realized my daughter was struggling with school anxiety, I decided we would start a new routine of praying to God on our way to school every morning. Watching the transformation of peace that took place as we have made praying to God about her anxiety our priority has been incredible to witness. Since we have been praying together she has started to be the one to remind me to pray, and has told me that she has started to pray on her own when she is struggling at school. I believe God uses struggles such as anxiety to help us guide our children in how to fully depend on our God who will always prove faithful.

Enlisting coping skills

Teaching and encouraging our children to use relaxation techniques and coping skills can be a way to help support them through anxiety. Relaxation techniques are different tools that are used to calm our bodies down when we are tensed up and anxious. Encouraging our children to use relaxation techniques such as taking deep breaths or using imagery to close their eyes and imagine that they are somewhere where they feel most relaxed, such as on a beach or a mountain, can help them decrease their anxiety. Coping skills can be any activity that will help our children reduce stress and anxiety. When considering what coping skills are best to use for our children I believe it’s best to seek out the things they naturally enjoy. Coping skills could include taking a walk, reading a book, or coloring a picture. Using coping skills can help shift their mind off of what is causing anxiety and onto positive things that bring joy. The Bible also talks about the importance of shifting our minds to good things saying,

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

It’s helpful to shift our children's minds to the right and lovely things when their minds are struggling to stay stuck on the negative.

As hard as it can be to watch our children struggle with anxiety, I am often reminded of the truth that we have a God who uses all things for our good and His glory.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

When we watch our children face difficult trials such as anxiety we can be reminded of the special role we can have of pointing them to God as we help support them through it. As we help support them through it we will also learn how to depend more on God ourselves, care for our children in a deeper way, and also learn patience in a way we might not have learned if we hadn’t walked through the trial of anxiety with our children.