Disciplining with Love

My daughter tends to live up to our expectations of her, but recently, we realized our expectations were too low. American Girl dolls, multi-colored markers, and a dizzying amount of stuffies covered her bedroom floor. We should have hung a sign on her door that read, “Enter at Your Own Risk!” The chaos of her bedroom seemed to be a visible sign of invisible realities. Although my wife and I would swear that we wanted her to have a clean room, we were not effectively helping her to accomplish that goal. Instead of disciplining her and setting high enough standards for her, we were enabling the cloud of chaos around her. We were confronted with our behavior when we began to see that it wasn’t just her room that was in chaos. We had slipped on her daily intake of TV and junk food as well as her other responsibilities around the house. We thought we were loving our daughter well, but we were really not helping her to foster personal responsibility for herself and her belongings.

Discipline is not cruelty

For those of us who grew up with a strict disciplinarian as a parent, we can tend to confuse discipline with cruelty. We don’t want to be like our parents, so we stay away from anything to do with disciplining our own children. Yet, discipline does not have to involve behaviors like yelling, emotional manipulation, or hitting of any kind. Discipline often turns cruel when it is reactionary, rather than intentional. In the heat of the moment, parents can raise their voice or say something cruel. Whereas, parents who have clear boundaries for their children with consequences that have already been thought through and communicated, can avoid being controlled by their emotions and rely on their parenting plan. When discipline is intentional, it can be an invitation to mutual love and respect.

Love has room for boundaries

I’ve learned that just as I need clear boundaries at work and at home, so do my kids. I need to know how many hours I’m expected to work, when to show up for work, and how I’m supposed to get my job done. Likewise, my kids need to know how much time they should spend cleaning their room each day, what time they have to go to bed, and what tools are available to get their chores done. If proper boundaries are not put in place, then before I know it, my daughter will have spent two hours watching TV. Of course, there is nothing wrong with a little TV, but if it’s to the detriment of reading, playing with friends, or helping out around the home, then there is something off balance. In fact, when parents and their children both understand the boundaries, then it is easier for the parent to know when discipline may be required. I expect my daughter to not leave wet towels on the floor in her room. She knows this. She also knows that the consequence to leaving wet towels on the floor of her room is no TV the next day. The expectations are clear to both of us and has helped her live in obedience and helped me to not enable misbehavior.

Love as you want to be loved

We are called to love our children in the ways that God loves us. God’s love fosters trust and empowers others to love too. In John’s great letter on love, he writes, 

“God is love…There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:16, 18-19). 

As we experience God’s love for us, we better understand why we are called to love.

Jesus loves his disciples by calling them to deny themselves and take up their cross. This was the invitation to be disciplined in the Jesus way. Likewise, as we invite our children into the path of love, we will necessarily call them to be disciplined in the Jesus way. Ultimately, the Jesus way is to

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

Each time we respond to our children’s obedience or disobedience in a love that empowers them to more boldly follow in the Jesus way, we too are becoming more like Jesus.