Choosing to Discipline With Love

We all want to raise disciplined children– salt of the earth kids. But how do we keep them on the right path without being either too permissive or too heavy-handed? How can we lovingly discipline our children as Christ would have us do? How can we replicate how God chastens us without condemning us?

Training is the backbone of discipline

What comes to mind when you hear the word discipline? For many of us, the word discipline connotes punishment, which is a rather inaccurate interpretation. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes discipline as training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character. The Oxford Dictionary defines discipline as the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience. 

The foundation of discipline is training. It’s the groundwork. Before correcting our children, we must ensure that we have trained them in the right behavior. Correcting them without having taught them is putting the cart before the horse. We ought to deal with our children in the same grace-filled way that God deals with us. God has given us the scriptures and asked us not to deviate from them. When we do, he lovingly corrects us.

The Biblical book of Deuteronomy reiterates the Ten Commandments and various other instructions captured in the books of Exodus and Leviticus. God's commands are not arbitrary, but illuminate what's good for us. Behaving poorly will naturally have unhealthy consequences. Like running regularly prepares a sprinter for a race, trying to live into God's design for us builds our character. In Deuteronomy chapter 28, God outlines the blessings that would follow the children of Israel if they carefully obeyed all that had been commanded of them. On the other hand, he also explained the consequences if they chose to live in disobedience. He first spells out how they ought to live before warning of punishment for disobedience. That’s the right order where discipline is concerned. 

Have we taught our children the right things to do? We can start by crafting family values and committing to live by them. You can display these family values in your home for all to behold as they go about their day. God asked the Israelites to impress his instructions on their children. They were to talk about them as they sat, walked, slept, and rose up. They were even to scribble them on their door frames and gates (Deuteronomy 6:7-9). Before correcting our children, let’s ensure we have impressed on them the right values and behavior.

Wrap discipline in love

“Because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son” (Hebrews 12:6).

God disciplines us because he loves us. God desires for us to partake of his blessings and ultimately eternal life. In the same way, love for our children should be the driving force behind disciplining them. We must not be driven by our emotions, our need to be right, or even other people’s opinions as we correct our children.

The prodigal son, despite knowing that he had sinned against his father, still crawled back home and sought forgiveness. He must have known that his father’s love ran deep. His father confirmed his suspicion and welcomed him with open arms. God disciplines us to draw us closer to Himself. In the same way, our children should still sense our overarching love when we discipline them.

As we discipline them, we should steer clear of hurtful things like shaming, humiliating, physical violence, abusive language, or threats. We should also not withhold our love by neglecting our kids or giving them the silent treatment. These will only serve to aggravate our kids and drive a wedge between us and them. The Apostle Paul asks fathers not to embitter their children lest they become discouraged (Colossians 3:21). Our discipline strategies should be doused in love. Remember that love always protects, trusts, hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:7-8).

Respect, trust, and extend grace

Ever dealt with someone who doesn’t trust you one bit? As a result, they expect you to make the worst choice on any given matter. So they keep shoving advice and warnings your way. According to them, you are incapable of acting right. It’s downright demeaning and aggravating. But yet, that’s how we sometimes treat our children.

As parents/guardians, trusting our children goes against the grain. We feel the need to always correct, direct, approve or disapprove of their choices. We sometimes leave little wiggle room for them to be themselves and make independent choices. If we are teaching them the right behavior in the first place, we ought to expect that they grasp what we teach. As such, we can expect them to gravitate towards the right behavior.

Imagine if God chastened us for every mistake we made. Life would certainly feel unbearable. On the contrary, he deals with us mercifully and forgives us over and over. We need to model Christ as we discipline our children. We need to trust and respect them to make wise choices as well as offer them forgiveness when they mess up. Our relationship with our children should mirror to them a loving relationship with God their father.

Explore positive discipline strategies

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11).

As aforementioned, we discipline our children because we love them. We want them to acquire the right behavior and character. In the big scheme of things, we desire that they will be faithful followers of Christ. Our discipline measures should not leave our children second-guessing our love and good intentions for them. It may still hurt as we discipline them but the discomfort should stir them towards change.

We therefore need to employ positive discipline tactics that produce the right character without damaging our children. Parents.com suggests positive discipline measures such as redirecting bad behavior, reinforcing good behavior, using time outs, and ignoring flimsy mistakes. Other positive strategies include rewarding good behavior, setting clear expectations/limits, stipulating consequences, allowing choices, withdrawing privileges, and being consistent.