The drain pipe under the sink started dripping, so I put a bucket there to catch the water. I was busy and didn't take time to actually fix the leak. Day by day the drip got worse. The longer I ignored the problem, the more quickly water accumulated in the bucket.
Some grandparents find themselves in the same position as a bucket under a sink, used to catch the 'drips' in a son's or daughter's household. When the adult child's work schedule changes, mom or dad can be counted on to pick up the grand-kids after school for the foreseeable future. When the grandchild has an inconveniently scheduled after-school activity, grandpa or grandma can help. If there's a mid-day medical appointment, perhaps grandma can retrieve the child from school. If parents want a regular night out without kids, the grandparents can always babysit.
What starts as an occasional request can gradually turn into steady reliance on grandpa and grandma to be on call around the clock. If you are a grandparent who feels like a bucket under the sink--constantly having to 'catch' the grandchildren because adult sons or daughters have neglected the leaky plumbing of their schedule, consider making changes that will return you to a more balanced and healthy role.
Julie is one grandparent who found herself being used more and more for childcare by her son and daughter-in-law. A widow, Julie took a leave of absence a year ago because of medical problems. As her medical condition improved, Ryan and Melody, her son and daughter-in-law, begin calling occasionally to ask for help when there were problems with after-school care for Jacob and Hannah, their two children. Julie was happy at first for the chance to spend time with the grand-kids. The calls became more and more frequent, though. Melody was offered overtime and will be home late today. Could Julie run over and help out? Hannah wouldn't be able to participate in soccer this year unless Julie could bring her to her games every Thursday. Ryan and Melody want a weekend away without the kids every few months, and assumed Julie would take them for a couple days when they made reservations. Little by little, Julie became not so much the backup in case of a last-minute cancellation or sudden illness but an assumed resource whenever Ryan and Melody had a childcare need. And Ryan and Melody gradually expressed less thanks and came to expect that Julie would be available whenever they wanted help. "It's like they think I have no life of my own and should always drop things and come when they call," said Julie. "I love my grand-kids, but I don't like having them forced on me."
Grandparents should be actively involved in the lives of their grandchildren as proximity permits, and that requires time invested the relationships. A grandparent's goal is to become a vital part of a grandchild's life, not just a nice acquaintance kids see on holidays. Young families are notoriously busy, and grandparents can bless their children with the gift of childcare. But there's a gray area from investing as a family support to enabling parents to over-commit, fail to plan, or check-out themselves.
If you are a parent whose mom or dad sometimes cares for your children:
If you are a grandparent who is called on too much or whose help is taken for granted, consider doing the following:
In our individualistic culture in which children increasingly report feeling alone in the world, three-generation families that work closely together are a blessing. Grandparents should be involved. Having a relationship of mutual love and service towards one another is the Biblical ideal (I John 4:7, Gal 5:13), and is the healthiest way that families, including three-generation families, can relate to each other. Be sympathetic to your adult children's needs and willing to assist (I Peter 3:8). This does not mean you should help all the time or regardless of the circumstances, though. Withhold help when others take advantage (2 Cor. 3:10).
If you are becoming like the bucket under the sink--relied on to be there not so much to solve the underlying problem but to limp along without addressing it--consider setting limits on what you agree to do. In the end, everyone will benefit if you refuse to allow taking care of grand-kids to eclipse all other aspects of your life.
Rev. Dr. Rob Toornstra
Rev. Deb Koster