Being a supportive parent-in-law

A friend once adamantly told her husband about their daughter-in-law, “If I ever get sick, I don’t want her to take care of me!” Decades later, the daughter-in-law became one of her caregivers after their relationship had healed and transformed. The most poignant evidence of the change was a photo in the video shown during the mother-in-law’s funeral. Her head was resting on the younger woman’s shoulder with a sense of peace and trust as the daughter-in-law’s face depicted deep love and commitment for the woman with whom she had once struggled. Not all in-law experiences are turbulent or in need of reparation. But for those who have sometimes wanted to refer to their in-laws as outlaws, or for those thinking about the future, we can consider what creates a healthy relationship on both sides and choose a supportive path. A few factors that help parents support a child’s marriage are embracing the intentional separation that needs to take place, granting permission for open communication, and demonstrating healthy respect for one another.

Intentional separation

God’s creation of marriage in Genesis 2:24 states, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

In marriage, there is a leaving or separating from parents and a cleaving or sticking close to a spouse. The process of “leaving and cleaving” defines marriage. The process often starts before the wedding day as parents pray (possibly years in advance) for the spouse each child will select. Parents may also be praying for the needed bonding the new relationships will bring to the family. But they also need to pray for the grace to release their child. The scripture's directive to leave one’s mother and father begins as a physical separation. Some cultures still absorb newlyweds into the household or live near them. One benefit could be the opportunity to build relationships between couples and in-laws. A possible downside would be that such an arrangement could extend the same lifestyle the son or daughter had before marriage, and the spouse becomes an add-on rather than their marriage creating a new entity. Couples need space away from their families of origin to allow them to connect and become a new family together.

In addition to a physical separation, there is an emotional shift that needs to take place. Being Daddy’s little girl requires a change in that connection, as a daughter learns to allow her husband to become the new ‘go to’ person in her life. Likewise, the son is expected to allow his wife to use her gifts and style, which may differ from his mother’s, as the new couple shapes their home life. Although it’s not stated directly in scripture, it’s obvious that the parent is a key to allowing the “sticking” to take place. The challenge for a parent is not to take sides if there is dissension within the marriage of one of their children. We’ve all seen depictions of the mother-in-law who consistently berates her son’s wife. Or the father who reminds his daughter that he’s handier than the man she chose. In such scenarios, adult children will need to support their spouse rather than allow criticism of their mate to continue. This too is part of the intentional separation as parents and adult children learn to communicate respectfully as equals.

Permission granted

My 30-year experience as a mother-in-law has been an easy one in many ways. My daughter-in-law was one of my former students, and I had a sense of the relationship beneath the surface before she married my son. But although I had the advantage of knowing her, I had more to learn. Early on in their marriage, I asked both of them to come to me if there was ever a problem with something I did or said that offended either of them. I didn’t want any walls of contention between us, so I permitted them to call me out. They could also talk to me if they needed to vent. The guidance to not let the sun go down while you are still angry also helps guide relationships between parents and their in-laws (Ephesians 4:26). Parents can be safe places for a son or a daughter to express their feelings, but prayerful guidance is needed by both parties so that adult children are sensitive with what they share, and parents listen while limiting the advice they give. We can permit them to be honest with us and let us be a sounding board when they need it.

Healthy respect

When a son or daughter has chosen to live outside of marriage, parents are met with another challenge. No official in-law status exists, but parenting and love continue. Parents can show God’s grace and love to their children without condoning a lifestyle that is contrary to God's word. Loving also means setting aside our judgment and allowing our kids to make their own choices and be accountable for their own actions. We can fight for our children through prayer rather than fighting with them.

An early test for parents-in-law could be to accept your son or daughter’s plans for the type of wedding they want. Of course, issues can arise depending on who is paying for what. But when the dissonance is not related to finances, how does a prospective mother or father-in-law rein in their desire to see things done another way? Maybe try repeating this little sentence until you can say it without any malice, undertones, or anger: “It’s not my wedding.” My son and his soon-to-be bride decided to have a private wedding with only the parents and the pastor present. It was not what I expected, but I had to respect their decision and repeat the little mantra, thankful that I was on the list! Respecting their wishes meant I also had to defend them from the negativity of others. I learned to respect them as adults who had every right to make the decisions that affected their lives and eventually, their children’s lives. Possibly the greatest in-law test will be connected to the grandchildren. Having a healthy respect for a daughter-in-law or son-in-law reminds us that we are not the parents, and our role is one of support rather than control.

The friend who changed the once contentious relationship with her daughter-in-law learned a few lessons over the years. She stepped back and accepted how her role with her son had changed. She released him emotionally and came to understand that her son’s first allegiance was to his wife. She learned that there did not need to be competition between the two mothers-in-law and that each had a unique role and connection in their children’s lives. She began to fully accept, respect, and love the woman her son had chosen, and they eventually bonded as a true family. Opening our hearts to an in-law means there is a blessed addition to the family. It is another heart to be loved by and to love.