FamilyFire

Have you ever had a big argument over a small matter? An explosion over a late dinner or another empty toilet-paper roll?

We argue about trivial things because they represent bigger, more emotional issues. Too often we argue about the details and never quite get  to the real underlying issues. Then it seems like we have the same fight over and over--the details may be different, but the base issues are the same. 

Scott Stanley, in his book A Lasting Promise, speaks to the underlying issues from which conflict stems.  Stanley’s book was very eye-opening for me. It showed me the reasons that little things get under my skin. 

His list of underlying issues showed me how minor things would get hooked in me and leave me frustrated. It also made me look at why I am insecure about certain things. What is it, for example, about the trash not being taken out gets me so upset? Stanley lists six different reasons or underlying issues behind the things we fight about.

1. Acceptance (do you love me?)
2. Integrity (can I trust you?)
3. Commitment (will you stay?)
4. Recognition (do you value me?)
5. Caring (show me!)
6. Power (will you share control?)

In our home, it was repairing the car that sparked a huge debate.  When I was growing up, my father always maintained the vehicle. It was just Dad's job.  So when my husband suggested it would be simpler if I called the auto shop myself and let them know what was going on with my vehicle, I completely lost my temper. Sorry, not always a good example!

To my husband, it just made sense for each of us to communicate problems and schedule appointments with the auto shop directly, rather than have me report through him and have him coordinate my schedule with the shop. It was all so logical!  When I stopped to look at our argument in light of Stanley's issues, I realized it wasn't the car, it was my expectations of feeling cared for. Having to deal with the car left me feeling uncared for--after all, this is what I assumed caring husbands do! Discussing my feelings about why I was so opposed to talking with the garage turned out to be way more productive than my temper tantrum! 

Many couples say they fight about money, for example, and Stanley's underlying issues help us see why it's never about the money, but about what the money means.

• Will spending this money make me wonder if you love me as I am?
• Are you deceptive with how you are handling money, making me wonder if I can trust you?
• Does your money choices show your permanence, or does it seem like you're hesitating or making a contingency plan? 
• What does the purchase tell me about how I matter in this relationship? Are my efforts valued?
• How does your purchases show that you care about what I value? Are you in tune with things I care about? 
• Who chooses what money should be spent and who benefits from it?

Understanding the underlying issues not only helps us fight more productively, they also show us where our own insecurities lie.  Those insecurities were probably brought into your marriage, and remain sensitive spots in all areas of your life. Do we fear being unaccepted, unvalued, or uncared for? Do we have troubles trusting others? Do we have a need to be in control? If we can recognize our sensitivities and wounds, then we can better manage our relationships.